Ask Amy: Vietnam War casts shadow over family

Dear Amy: More than 50 years ago, my sister married a guy who skipped the country after being drafted into the Army during the Vietnam War. I also was drafted and served, including going to Vietnam.

I was asked to meet with his parents when they came to my mom's house, with instructions from my parents to make it very clear that they were totally against this marriage, making me the bad guy in this scenario.

My sister and her husband still live outside the country with no intention of coming back. But their children — my nephews and nieces — are American citizens and live here. They are grown and have kids of their own. They greet me with respect and call me uncle.

My sister and I never got close again. What steps can I take to build a better relationship with her and my brother-in-law?

Amy says: Your sister's husband chose to leave the country rather than serve in the military in a war that divided the country. In 1977, President Jimmy Carter issued an unconditional pardon to the approximately 100,000 drafted men who left the country, and according to an article published by History.com, around half of them returned to the United States.

If you want to try to restore and rebuild a relationship, you should reach out. A good way in might be to let them know that you enjoy having a relationship with their children and grandchildren, and that this has motivated you to try to build a better relationship with their parents, before it is too late.

Dear Amy: My son married "Marian," who made it clear that he was too close to his mom (me) and that this must stop. She wants no part of us except for when she needs a babysitter.

However, we are not allowed to buy the grandchildren gifts. I know I put up with too much disrespect from both my son and daughter-in-law for many years just to be able to see the grandchildren.

Recently, our young granddaughter seemed proud about her scores on tests that she took in school. When I asked my son about it, he said, "It's none of your business."

This was the last straw. My husband has had it and is done with them. I feel the same. But now they won't let the children have contact with us.

Amy says: Your son and his wife have used you for years. And now that they have the house, the extras and probably limited need for a babysitter, they are done with you.

Of course they won't let you see the kids! They've been using these kids as leverage, and they don't seem to care about the impact of this loss on their own children.

Dear Amy: I disagree with your advice to the neighbor who planned progressive dinners. As the primary organizer, she is entitled to put boundaries on "extra" guests. If others want a different policy, they can arrange their own dinner party.

It's unfortunate that you singled out this letter writer for judgment.

Amy says: This neighbor seemed extremely rigid to me, but I see your point.