Ask Amy: Victim mentality has worn thin

Dear Amy: I have been with my boyfriend for five years. He always plays the victim — the world is out to get him. Nothing that goes wrong is ever is fault. He is depressed, anxious, constantly negative and constantly complaining.

He has been fired from multiple jobs because of his attitude and performance issues.

I have been patient because he's had a lot of trauma in his life. He loves me and treats me well. And I believe that mental illness is like physical illness and isn't a reason to end a relationship.

However, lately I have become emotionally exhausted. His negativity and victim mentality drag me down and deplete any positivity I have in my life.

He doesn't believe in therapy and thinks the bad experiences he's endured are unique to him.

I am not in love anymore. He isn't open to changing his attitude or getting help from mental health professionals. If he's always been good to me, is it wrong to break up with him just because I can't put up with his ongoing depression and negative attitude?

When is mental illness a reason to end things, versus sticking with a relationship and being supportive?

Not "believing" in therapy to address trauma is akin to not believing in antibiotics to treat an infection. Therapy is not a faith practice; it is treatment. It is wound care for a deeply hurt psyche.

You would not be leaving this relationship because of your boyfriend's mental illness, but because of his refusal to seek treatment for it.

I assume that your presence in his life is positive and helpful, but it should not be your fate to sacrifice and sap your own spirit in order to support someone who refuses to try to recover his own.

You might ask yourself: Is your presence helping him to heal? Are things improving for him? For you? Or is your co-dependent relationship keeping you both stuck in place?

Therapy is definitely called for. Even if he won't go, you should.

This trend of divorcing after a long marriage makes me afraid to get married.

I have been in a wonderful relationship for the past four years, and we talk about marriage when I'm done with school. But I keep having this terrible anxiety that 40 years into it we will get divorced.

How do I stop this feeling? I know 40 years is a long way from now, but it just makes me feel so scared.

I can't imagine life alone after being with someone for so long. How do I stop this anxious feeling?

Amy says: Keep in mind that the people who write to me are sharing their problems. This is not a statistical predictor of your prospects.

And also stay tuned for happiness, joy, beauty, light and loveliness. It's all the stuff of life. What Poe named "the fever called living."

When you marry someone, you quite literally leap in. You love them through it all, and you are loved in return.

Keep in mind that fear is the worst reason not to take the leap.