Ask Amy: Troubled marriage needs to end

Dear Amy: My husband of just under two years does things behind my back that he knows would hurt me.

While we were dating, we promised exclusivity to each other. I was true to him, but he continued to date approximately 30 women for a year and a half. I stumbled on his "rating" spreadsheet after we were living together.

He recently made arrangements to meet with his former spouse while I was at work.

I feed birds, squirrels and chipmunks in our backyard and love watching them. While I was not home, he took an air rifle and over the course of a few months, killed every chipmunk.

One day last week, I was returning home from work and saw him running in the front yard with the air rifle, firing at a small rabbit. I admonished him because he could hit a child riding by on a bike or a mom strolling with her baby.

We have done counseling before. He participates only until he is bored. He told me that he is going to do what he wants to do, and he does not care how I feel about that.

Please help.

It needs to end.

I don't say this lightly. Regular readers know how seldom I tell married people to get out of the relationship.

But I say it to you: Leave this relationship. Do not enter counseling with your husband. Don't bargain, set limits, or agree to attempts at reconciliation.

Please be careful while you do so.

To research ways to stay safe as you leave your relationship, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has lots of helpful and important information and tips on their website: thehotline.org. You also can call their help line to speak with a counselor: 800-799-7233.

About three years ago, Mary married "Steve." He is a lovely, generous man — when he is not drinking.

When he drinks he becomes very handsy with me, Tracy and any other woman nearby. He kisses us on the lips, grabs us, hugs us, etc., all in front of Mary and our own partners.

We gently try to divert him or squirm away, but have never forcefully said, "That's not appropriate."

Recently we all spent a weekend away together, and he was terrible! Mary either chooses not to see what is happening or is truly clueless.

Tracy and I are worried that if we strongly say "stop" to him, or if we sit down with Mary and tell her how uncomfortable he makes us, then our friendship will be wounded — if not destroyed.

Amy says: It's vital that you remember that Mary is not the problem. Steve is the problem, and so you should deal directly with him.

Tell this lovely, generous man (when he is sober), "The last time we saw you, you kissed me. You behave this way whenever you're drunk. I'm letting you know that if you ever touch me inappropriately again, I'm going to call you out."

If Mary then defends him, understand that she might feel trapped. Urge her toward Al-anon (Al-anon.org), and keep your distance from Steve, but not from her.