Ask Amy: There's no formula for mourning

Dear Amy: I have recently experienced much tragedy in my life. Our family is reeling.

I had some very close family move away and have been mourning that; I very suddenly lost my uncle, and my sister lost her baby at six weeks. I am walking an intense line between mourning and living my life.

I am tempted to just stay home and take care of my parents in their heartache, yet I am going crazy not going out and living my life, even if it's just sitting in a coffee shop for a few hours.

Don't get me wrong, I'm deeply hurting, too. Do you have any advice?

Amy says: No two people should be expected to grieve alike. Sometimes people need to express their grief. Sometimes they need a few moments of "normal."

If you accept your role in the family as being younger and perhaps a little more resilient right now than other family members, then yes, live your life. If you allow yourself some healing experiences, you might be of greater service to them, while also renewing your own strength.

Furthermore, I think it might be good for your sister, especially (if she is local), if you bring her a cup of coffee from the coffee shop, ask her to take a walk with you and simply let her be however she needs to be in that moment.

A friend from college who lives in another state often sends me pictures of her child. These texts are an unwelcome reminder that I don't have children. How do I tell her to stop sending me pictures, without going into details about the medical/fertility/personal issues I'm dealing with?

Honestly, the reasons are none of her business, and I don't feel like getting that detailed with her over text messages. Do you have a suggestion?

Amy says: I'm not sure you can achieve what you want without offering an explanation of some kind. A brief explanation ("I've dealt with fertility challenges and it upsets me right now to see photos of your child.") probably would be effective.

Saying, "I'm wondering if you could do me a favor and not continue to text me photos of your child. It's just awkward for me because I don't know her" might bring on a response reflecting hurt feelings. Your college friend might feel offended.

There is some likelihood that she would stop texting you altogether, which actually might be your goal. You also might want to "mute" text messages from this person, to avoid the trigger.