Ask Amy: Teachers need a lesson in empathy

Dear Amy: I belong to a group of nine women who now all are retired teachers. We have met monthly for 35 years.

We started this group because, although we were assigned to different schools, we all worked for the same school district, and this was a way for us to stay connected.

In the past we have been respectful, loving and supportive toward each other. But lately I have not been feeling the love, and I am devastated.

At our last meeting I announced, very proudly, that my daughter (also an educator) received loan forgiveness of $52,000. She has two master's degrees. She has paid promptly on her loans for 10 years, and this debt forgiveness is truly a blessing.

When I mentioned this news, you would have thought I told them that she'd robbed a bank! All but one person (whom I had told earlier and was very supportive), expressed their opinions about the loan forgiveness program and how they were against their tax dollars helping my daughter.

I think I would have had a nicer reaction from strangers at the supermarket. The pain is still raw. How do I heal?

Amy says: This episode has revealed the unfortunate dynamic created for some people when they learn about someone else's windfall. It's not pretty.

Furthermore, relieving these younger people of debt enables them to invest in their kids' educations. They'll likely also need to save more money for retirement than current retirees had to set aside because younger generations can't count on having pension plans and Social Security as their retirement safety net.

You can heal from this by accepting the limitations of the people in your group. You've uncovered an indelicate side to them, but this reaction was not personal — to you or your daughter. They likely would have expressed the same to a stranger at the supermarket.

Dear Amy: I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

About a year ago, I had breakfast with a longtime friend, "Pat." I picked up Pat, drove her to the restaurant, and after the meal I brought her back home.

I asked if I might use her bathroom before continuing to my house, which is about 15 miles away. Pat said no. I mentioned that I really couldn't wait, because of the IBS. I pleaded and was told absolutely not.

Pat called about a month later to inquire why I haven't been in touch. I told her how I felt and reminded her of the many times I've invited her to parties I've hosted. She has never offered me as much as a cup of coffee.

I have forgiven Pat, but I don't want to have anything to do with her. Am I being petty?

Amy says: I agree with you that Pat demonstrated a complete lack of regard for your basic needs. It's tough to reckon with the faults and failings of someone you've known for a very long time, but for you, this episode brought on a reckoning, and once you've gotten to that point, it's hard to get back.

I'm glad you've forgiven Pat; I don't blame you for keeping your distance, now.