Dear Amy: My parents were absentee grandparents, despite my longing for more.
On several occasions, I tearfully asked my mother why they ultimately favored my sibling’s children over my own. The answer I got implied that my folks had provided some financial assistance to my sibling, and that because of that, the kids were entitled to special grandparent treatment.
My parents basically said that I don’t have a right to tell them what to do or not to do. I didn’t like that answer, but I respected it.
Now they are retired and broke. My mom has more than hinted on several occasions that she plans to move in with me if my dad passes away before her.
Why does she feel entitled? Should I feel obligated to help? Why would this responsibility fall solely on me? I feel like telling her that she cannot tell me what I can or cannot do in much the same way they told me.
Amy says: You seem to be the only person to have actually asked a family member a direct question: “Why do you favor my sibling’s children?” The answer you got — “You can’t tell me what to do” — isn’t an answer. It’s an unrelated statement.
I congratulate you for having full use of your voice, and I suggest that you continue to use it in a clear and authentic way to state your intentions and explain how you feel.
Yes, your mother is entitled — entitled to her opinion, and not much beyond that. If you don’t want her to live with you, then tell her so: “Mom, you’re going to have to look for other housing, because I am not willing to have you move in with me.” You could be helpful by researching low-income elder housing in your area.
