Ask Amy: Suicide's trauma still lingers

Dear Amy: Many years ago, my brother missed a week of school, struggled to catch up, and then committed suicide.

In a note, he explained that he got a zero on a test because he didn't take it in time. He said he was overwhelmed with makeup work.

For the most part, I don't think my parents are to blame. They didn't pressure us about our grades, although they did insist that we do our homework.

My niece is about to start kindergarten. I told my sister that if her daughter ever falls behind, it would be best to get her out of the regular classroom until she can get caught up (I don't know to what extent this is actually an option).

My sister thought this sounded odd. I then realized that she was in college when our brother died, and perhaps she doesn't know all the particulars.

I have not yet told her. I'm worried that she will blame our parents, or even try to track down the teacher who gave our brother the zero. (I guess I could leave that part out.)

Should I tell my sister now? Or should I keep it to myself unless a problem arises with school?

And yes, I hope you will choose to talk about it with your sister, and tell her everything that you remember — not necessarily to influence her parenting, but because this is a primary event in the life of your family, and it is extremely important to talk about it.

When you have this conversation, you might learn that she has an entirely different understanding of the event. She wasn't living at home at the time, but because of the difference in your ages, she might have insight that you lack.

Suicide remains a taboo subject in our society, but for survivor families, there are additional layers of guilt and anxiety, in addition to their deep sadness.

It is simply overwhelming, and I sense that you still are overwhelmed and somewhat trapped in the story line of that long-ago trauma. Therapy would be a game-changer for you. I hope you accept this prompt to pursue it.

Dear Amy: I'm having a weird issue.

Do you have any ideas how I can get past this?

Amy says: Have someone else make the appointment for you, and take you there, if necessary. Promise yourself a reward afterward.