Ask Amy: Stress threatens family gathering

Dear Amy: Every year my extended family meets for a summer reunion.

Two of us are gay. Starting when he was quite young, we assumed that my nephew also was gay. No one talked about it, it was just assumed he'd figure it out and it wouldn't be a big deal.

Two years ago, when he was 16, he started growing and dyeing his hair and wearing nail polish, but still referred to himself as a "he." We assumed he was either doing the teenager thing or was about to tell us he was gay.

Well, we were wrong. He's not heterosexual (no shock) but has announced that he's trans and now goes by the gender-neutral name "Ash."

Ash is making baby steps into the world as a trans person. To say my family is less than supportive is an understatement. Gay they're OK with, but I guess trans is a bridge too far (this includes Ash's parents).

Our annual get-together is coming up and my plan is to wait and see how Ash refers to themself and take it from there. But I'm petrified about how my relatives are going to handle the change. Any advice on how to be supportive without stirring the pot?

Amy says: The way to be supportive is to greet Ash with enthusiasm and treat them with respect at this gathering.

Tell Ash, "I'm here for you." Ask if Ash feels safe at home (listen carefully to the answer) and make sure to exchange contact information.

If being kind, friendly and compassionate toward a young family member is "stirring the pot" in your family, then Ash might be experiencing abuse — at home or elsewhere.

I take it that Ash is 18 or close to it. Leaving the household might be the best course, and you should do what you can to assure this young person's safety and well-being.

I hope you will make sure that Ash knows about the Trevor Project (thetrevorproject.org); they offer 24/7 support through a chat function (text 678-678).

Dear Amy: I recently bought a modest second home that has two bedrooms and two bathrooms.

Should I offer my bedroom to the female guest? We're all in our late 50s/early 60s, so it's not like we're used to crashing on the couch.

What should I do?

Amy says: If you invited the third guest (she is a friend or family member and you issued the invitation), you should offer up your room and bunk on the couch. (One advantage of surrendering your own room is that the guest and their luggage are confined to that space, vs. the awkwardness of having a suitcase in the living room.)

But in this case, it sounds as if the third guest is not invited by you, but by your guests. Perhaps you should share this dilemma with them: "I only have two bedrooms, plus a couch and an air mattress. How do you think we should handle the sleeping arrangements?"