Advertisement

Ask Amy: Stepson is in a holding pattern

July 5, 2021 at 7:05PM

Dear Amy: My stepson is 22. He has rooms at his mother's house and my house, but he mostly stays at his girlfriend's place. Still, he expects that we just "hold" his room with all his things hanging in the closet for whenever he wants to drop in, and he doesn't give any advance notice.

Part of this problem is obviously my husband's "divorced dad" guilt. This is his only son, and his youngest child. When my husband and I moved to a new home that we bought together, I hoped it would change. The son was really helpful after the move, but then disappeared to stay elsewhere. Otherwise, when he is at our home, he helps out minimally.

We've joked with him about moving out, but his dad says he won't just "kick him to the curb," which I think is an exaggeration because he has three homes.

I'm feeling very resentful. He has quit his studies a few times, gave up his scholarship money and put his mom into debt co-signing for student loans. He has a decent-paying job in construction now, but he just can't grow up. I don't understand this, because my kids (like me) were dying to get out on their own at 19 and 20.

Do I just sit and simmer? My husband and I have talked it over so many times, and I feel it's my husband's place to make it happen. Your advice?

Amy says: You want your stepson to "just grow up," but it sounds as if he is growing up. His path has been crooked, but now he is working hard at a full-time job. I predict that his bouncing back and forth gradually will slow down until he feels secure enough (financially and otherwise) to land in his own home.

His girlfriend (or another partner) likely will influence him to put down firmer roots away from his bedrooms in his parents' houses, but I think you should be patient for now. My (perhaps counterintuitive) sense is that young men tend to start their adulthoods a little later than young women, especially if they have options.

You might help to inspire some new behavior by saying, "You really do need to call before you show up. It throws me off when you turn up and I'm not expecting you." Prompting him to call is reminding him that he doesn't live with you, and so his presence in the home should be more at your discretion than his. It's a small step toward liberation.

Advertisement
Advertisement

If he doesn't land somewhere else within the next year, you and his father should give him a firmer push — not a shove, but perhaps helping him to find an apartment that he can afford.

What happened to respect?

Dear Amy: When my sons were growing up, I tried to teach them to treat women with respect (the way I wanted to be treated). But mothers don't seem to care that their daughters should treat their husbands with respect.

My daughters-in-law have no clue how fortunate they are. One has been sassy with me. She constantly plays the victim and treats me as her subordinate. The other is a slob. Her house is a shambles.

Parents today seem to be wrapped up in their own advancements and ignore their responsibilities.

Amy says: And what about those parents who taught their sons to passively tolerate such disrespect, sass and sloppiness, to the extent where they will not even defend their own mother?

I assume that your sons do deserve better, but confident, self-assured and emotionally actualized men tend to choose more suitable partners.

Advertisement

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.

Advertisement
about the writer

about the writer

AMY DICKINSON

More from No Section

See More
Advertisement
Advertisement

To leave a comment, .

Advertisement