Ask Amy: Split in family leaves bitterness

Dear Amy: My husband was diagnosed with ALS at the age of 67. About six months after diagnosis, we had a graduation picnic for our granddaughter. My brother-in-law came, got drunk, and when he left, he hit our daughter's car and told no one. (We were not aware that he was drunk.)

My husband called his brother, and he admitted that he'd hit her car. but said he was too drunk to return to the party, so he was going to call later the next day. My husband did not scold him, but said that we were concerned about his drinking. (We had expressed this in the past.)

My daughter called her uncle and lectured him about drinking and driving and was pretty hard on him. I did the same. He texted us and said he didn't need to be lectured by us and that we wouldn't see him again.

From that point on, he never checked on my husband's declining health, and he did not come to his funeral less than three years later.

My children and I are bitter. My husband died feeling very betrayed, and I can't shake my resentment. What are your thoughts on this?

Amy says: I think you have a few things to feel bitter about — your husband's decline and death from an absolutely punishing and heartbreaking disease, being one.

And yes, it is obvious how disappointing your brother-in-law's behavior has been, but addiction has a way of blunting a person's humane responses. It's as if the disease has to find a way to win, and so alcoholics often will reject confrontations, course correction or even expressions of concern.

One way to cope with your bitterness might be to see if you can conjure a way to feel sorry for this man, who denied himself contact with his brother, and who never will be able to make it up to him.

During a quiet moment, consider the idea that it ultimately might help you to trade your bitterness for compassion. Because nothing you do will affect the real source of your grief, although releasing this element of bitterness in your life definitely will help.

Dear Amy: I've been married for 11 years. Our marriage has mostly been unhappy. My husband and I have a 10-year-old daughter together, and I have an adult child from a previous relationship.

I have a job from which I can retire early. If I do that, I can move anywhere in the country and have a whole other career. I want to supplement my pension by working in another field.

The problem is that I'm afraid of change. Do you think it's wise to start over in another state?

Amy says: You don't say whether any potential move would include your husband. This obviously is extremely important. If you two break up, you will need to live near one another.

I don't think it is wise to uproot your daughter unless you have thought through all of the particulars and have a solid parenting plan in place. Look for transitional work closer to home and spend the next couple of years figuring out your next step.