Ask Amy: Son never learned value of thank-you note

Dear Amy: My son just graduated from college and is out on his own. His mother and I threw him a graduation party.

He received gifts from people at the party, and he thanked those people in person. But he has not sent any acknowledgment to family and friends who mailed him gifts.

Several family members have reached out to me to ask if he received their gift, which was very embarrassing. As a child, we made sure that he always wrote thank-you notes. It troubles us that he does not see the need to do that now that he is an adult.

I told him this was basic etiquette and that even an email or a text would be better than nothing. He agreed with me — but still has done nothing.

Is there anything more I can do or say to get him off the dime?

Amy says: One tough aspect of parenting young adults is facing the reality of their faults and failings.

You've taught your son (made him) write thank-you notes, but I wonder if the lesson might have been more effective if you had said: "If you want people to be kind and generous toward you in the future, then you must express your gratitude. If you don't, they'll think you're a jerk. There are other big gift-receiving moments down the pike for you. Keep that in mind."

Thank-you notes are always appropriate. Nicely worded texts/emails are sufficient (especially when they include a photo), but, honestly, I think a phone call is a joy. And doing this belatedly is far better than not doing this at all.

Unlike when he was a child, you can't make him do the right thing. He'll have to figure it out on his own.

Dear Amy: Our oldest daughter is in her 40s. She has had a difficult time since she was a teenager. Nothing awful (no drugs), just an inability to focus on dealing with the realities of life.

Although she is very bright, it took her 10 years to finish college. She was able to get a great job with a computer firm. Then, after a few months of complaining, she moved to another city. In desperation, she got a job delivering pizzas.

Very soon we saw the possibility that she would end up on the streets. So my husband and I bought a townhouse for her and provided her with a small monthly stipend. The only requirement is that she keeps working and pays the HOA fee.

We don't mind making sure that she is safe and sheltered, but we really would like her boyfriend to make a monetary contribution to their lives. How can we broach this with her?

Amy says: You have willingly and generously set up a situation that sounds feasible and stable for all parties.

Unless your daughter asks for more from you (or fails to pay her share), then why should her partner's contribution matter? If you want to adjust the amount of your own contribution, you could revisit this budget with her, but she should be trusted to manage her finances.