Ask Amy: Son deserves to know his true parentage

Dear Amy: I have been married to the same man for 52 years. Thirty-six years ago, I had a child, who is a product of an affair. I had two boys already when my third son was born.

My husband was away during a military tour when the affair happened. I wanted a divorce, but my husband fought for our relationship. My husband accepted this child as his own.

When this son was 2 years old, his biological father died in a car accident. His biological father had never seen my son. We never told my son that my husband is not his biological father.

I am feeling guilty about not telling my son, but my husband is against it. My other two sons know, but he does not know.

Should I tell him?

Amy says: Yes, you should tell your son the truth about his biological parentage and provide him with information about his biological father.

This likely will be hard on all of you, but the rest of the family knows, and your son deserves to know, too.

Dear Amy: "Arlene" is my close childhood friend. When her daughter "Lena" was born, I was asked to be Lena's godmother. I was thrilled.

For years, I made the effort to celebrate Lena's special days and to keep in touch, even after they relocated to the opposite coast. Once Lena graduated from college, I tried to meet up at least once a year.

I've never had children of my own, so this was important to me.

Lena had a baby of her own last year with her partner. She and her little family have now relocated to be near Arlene. Before they left, I visited her and the baby and sent gifts.

Arlene and I have grown apart over the years. We don't talk regularly but send texts on birthdays and exchange Christmas cards.

Lena is in her 30s now and has the right to decide on her own guest list. But I'm disappointed and hurt that neither of them thought to call me or send a note to at least offer the "immediate family only" excuse as a reason not to extend an invite to this wedding.

How should I handle this? Should I send a card/gift for the wedding and wait to address the issues a few weeks after the event?

When I do reach out, should I do it by phone or by letter? Should I address them both individually, or just contact the mother?

Or do I just ignore the wedding, let it go, and assume that my role and the friendship is done?

Amy says: Lena is the one who has dropped the ball and has neglected to include or contact you. But your relationship with both women has grown distant enough to have relegated you to an outer orbit, with very sparse contact.

Yes, it would be nice to send Lena a card congratulating her on her marriage, but you shouldn't combine the two messages.