Dear Amy: My goddaughter and her fiancé have decided to marry in a very far-off foreign location. This is not an easy trip, and it is expensive.
I assume she wanted a wedding that had very few people in attendance; she certainly could not expect anyone who could not afford the trip to attend. That's fine, but I hate the philosophy: "It's the bride's day." A wedding used to be a celebration of two families joining.
Anyway, my problem concerns the wedding shower invitations. Why should I be invited to a shower hosted by people who know darn well the invitations were sent out to people who could in no way attend the wedding?
The reason for the shower invite — "Well, you were invited to the wedding" — is disingenuous at best.
I do love my goddaughter, but I need you to help me understand it from another point of view. if you have one. Am I off base?
Amy says: I completely agree with you regarding the change of focus that far-off destination weddings bring. (I'm defining this as weddings where neither the bride nor groom has any personal or family connection.)
I agree that these weddings often greatly reduce the number of guests who are willing or able to attend.
Because of this, the invitation itself does seem disingenuous — yet in this case, they are trying to recognize your close connection by inviting you. (Would you feel left out or insulted if you weren't invited?)
Because of the pressure imposed by destination weddings, wedding showers seem to be changing, too. These more local showers are morphing into wedding celebrations for the many guests who can't attend the far-off weddings.
So, I differ from you in your reaction to be insulted by this shower invitation. I see this as an opportunity to celebrate with the couple and their families and to express your support and joy for them.
I think you should embrace this opportunity to celebrate the wedding, and consider yourself spared from making a trip you can't afford — or simply don't want to — take.
And, of course, you can always respond to any shower invitation with a polite, "I'm so sorry I won't be able to make it to your shower! I wish you both joy and happiness, and hope you have a wonderful wedding."
Anticipatory grief
Dear Amy: My husband has terminal cancer, and I'm having a hard time dealing with the impending loss. I need the tools to work through the feelings of my husband dying.
Right now, all I see of my future is a dim and painful one.
Amy says: I'm so sorry you are going through this. What you are experiencing is called "anticipatory grief."
Getting some healing support right now will help you to stay more fully in these challenging moments of your life as a loving and beloved spouse.
You're taking the important first step by seeking help. This is one important way that you can take care of yourself, which will help you to take care of your husband.
Communicating with other families of cancer patients could be important. Speak with the social worker at the hospital where your husband is being treated and ask for contacts with local resource groups. Your local hospice will also offer guidance.
The American Cancer Society is an invaluable resource. Check its comprehensive website, cancer.org, or call 1-800-227-2345.
If you have a friend or family member who is reliable and compassionate, ask for them to research and navigate some of these resources with you.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
