Ask Amy: Softball-playing dad should be thrown out

Dear Amy: My son-in-law is a bum. My daughter works a full-time job, cooks, cleans and shuttles the kids where they need to go. He quit a job without finding a new job first, and has been unemployed for months.

I thought it was bad when his only responsibility was his 9-to-5 job and he did nothing beyond that. Now his only responsibility is his six softball leagues and the various cornhole tournaments he plays in during the evenings. He watches TV all day long.

His favorite phrase is that things are "not in his job description."

Things like braces, cars and college were things I worked hard to provide for my children, but I guess he figures I will pay for his kids to have those things. Or he doesn't care.

It is ruining my relationship with my daughter and my grandchildren. I still work and now am very resentful in regards to helping them with child care and paying for extras like ballet classes, clothing and shoes while he plays softball.

I guess I need therapy and a trust attorney to deal with these concerns. Any advice?

Amy says: Your daughter's choice to martyr herself to a husband who sounds like a selfish deadbeat must seem puzzling to you, but your role here is not to fix her life.

Your daughter already has established that she can run a household as a single parent. In fact, she sounds impressive. She has options, and she can make changes if she wants her life to be different.

Don't agree to anything if you are going to resent it and then make her "pay" in other ways.

You might offer to take the kids for an overnight on Fridays (a very helpful gesture), but otherwise let her know that unless it is a true emergency, she will have to make other arrangements for child care.

Ballet lessons might make a nice special-occasion gift — but if the children need shoes, then perhaps their able-bodied dad can figure out a way to provide them.

Establish respectful and loving boundaries and focus on maintaining a positive relationship with the children. And, yes, therapy (for you) will help.

She needs to take care of herself. There are many aunts and her grandmother (on her father's side) who have had breast cancer.

But I shouldn't have to tell her this. She works in the health care field and knows about the risks of breast cancer.

I don't know how to get through to her. It's really bothering me. Can you please give me some advice about how to help her?

Amy says: Your daughter has important reasons to get a mammogram, but this family history likely also is why she avoids testing.

She fears getting a bad report, but she does not know the incredible feeling of relief she will feel when she gets a clean scan. It takes 10 minutes and then boom — you're good!