Ask Amy: Smart friend makes dumb error

Dear Amy: My friend is 15 years older than me. She has a PhD. and teaches at a university. She is fun to be around; we laugh for hours. But she lives beyond her means and is working two jobs to pay her credit card bills. She has been married and divorced twice.

She recently asked if we would build a tiny house on our property for her to move into. She expects my husband to build it for her (she would pay for the materials).

We said no. When I tried to explain the reasons, her comment was, "You can always come up with excuses."

I didn't let it bother me and tried to change the subject to a local environmental issue. She blew up, saying that I was too stupid to make any comments about the environment, because this is her academic specialty. She demands an apology from me for even discussing the topic.

It bothers me deeply that she would put me down because I don't hold a doctorate in environmental science and therefore should never discuss the topic. There has never been a forbidden topic before.

My husband says that she probably was upset we said no to her house idea, and she was just taking out her frustrations on me.

I'm torn on how to handle this. I miss my friend, but now I feel I'm being played. I would appreciate your perspective.

I think your husband is entirely correct; your friend is desperate and has assumed that she can pressure and manipulate you into providing a roof over her head — building it from scratch, no less!

The only thing I think you might have done differently was how you delivered your "no." Saying, "No, that's not going to work for us," would have been complete. By providing any explanation, you opened the door for her to push back.

You have nothing to apologize for. I suggest sitting quietly while she figures out how to attempt to get back into your good graces.

She could start with an apology. A person doesn't need an advanced degree to apologize sincerely, but she might not be smart enough to realize this.

Dear Amy: After a long battle with cancer, my cousin is not expected to live much longer,

I'm wondering how to mark her upcoming birthday. I know birthday parties are supposed to be happy events and this wouldn't be happy, but it feels wrong not to honor her in some way.

What do you think we should do?

Amy says: Depending on how your cousin is feeling, I think that you should plan a family celebration, honoring her life and demonstrating your joy in having her in the world. A gathering of loved ones — even in a hospital or hospice room — can be celebratory and "happy," even if attendees shed a tear or two.

Your husband (her birthday twin) might offer a tribute focused on their commonalities and remembering other shared celebrations over the years.

If your cousin is not able to handle an in-person gathering, you should share cards, letters, family and friend photos, flowers, favorite music and treats.