Dear Amy: My childhood was rough. My mother died when I was 6. She wasn't around much before that, but it took a hard toll on me.
Not long after her death, my father started sexually abusing me and my younger sister. The abuse lasted until we were in our teens. We never told anyone for fear of being separated.
Flash-forward to our 20s. After long bouts of hatred toward him, we have forgiven — but not forgotten.
My sister's husband and my husband are aware of what my father did to us and are very wary of our being around him. We are comfortable being around him now, but we just want to know why he did this to us. We have tried to talk to him about it so many times but always chicken out.
We both have had counseling, which has helped tremendously, but neither of us can get over not knowing why. How do we approach this?
Amy says: You and your sister seem like very resilient survivors. Thank goodness you have each other. I can imagine how daunting it would be to face your abuser, but you need answers and you deserve to try to get them.
You and your sister should see a counselor together, with a goal of strategizing a way to confront your father. Ideally the conversation with him will happen with a counselor present. The counselor can help you ask your questions and, most important, assist with the fallout.
Please realize that you might not receive an adequate answer. Your father might deny or diminish all of this. He may defensively strike back. A person who would do this to his own children is also likely to lack insight and (possibly) remorse. Prepare yourself as well as you can.
