Ask Amy: Sister's behavior remains a secret

Dear Amy: I am a retired older woman. I've been chained to my sister "Janet" my entire life.

As children, we were expected to share everything. I did all of the sharing, and Janet, the taking. She grew up to be arrogant and thoughtless.

I married young and had a family and career. She, in turn, had a career, multiple marriages and no children.

I have a lot of anxiety when I remember how badly she treated me. I never told our parents how she behaved when we shared a dorm room in college. I don't believe in betraying confidences, even if I am the victim.

I helped Janet through her multiple divorces, did her homework in college, helped her find a career and always invited her to join me on vacation. She never reciprocated.

I do not want to continue being her only friend and companion. We do not live near each other, and I am thankful for that.

I am not going to "tattle" on her; I just want her to go away. How can I get her out of my life without becoming the bad person?

My second suggestion is that you limit your contact with her altogether. If she asks why, you can tell her that you're simply tired of tolerating a family dynamic that you can't seem to change.

As a chronically oppressed person, you also seem to be oppressing yourself, essentially following up on your sister's bullying by treating it like a secret that must be kept. "Tattling" is what children worry about. Telling your own truth (or acting in your own best interest) is adult business.

It's time for you to take better care of yourself.

Dear Amy: An elderly person in our small community has just died. Those in my generation have known her for our entire lives.

One of her sons was in my class in our small high school. She was extremely active in our church, and as her health started failing, we did what we could to visit with her and be helpful to her family.

I'd like to encourage the family to have a memorial service of some kind, but that seems like an overreach. What do you think?

Amy says: Telling a family what to do after the death of a parent in order to soothe the community is definitely an overreach.

You and other members of your community might want to hold a simple, nonreligious sharing circle (for lack of another term) as a way to mark your friend's passing. Perhaps you could plant a tree in a prominent space and dedicate it to her (her children might want to attend).

Dear Amy: I want to applaud the teenager who wrote to you about recognizing that there are things she's doing naturally that she should seek help to change.

I was raised in a very judgmental home. I still fight my nature to judge on a daily basis, but that recognition is the first step. The thoughts may never stop coming, but when you're aware of what you're doing, you can work to re-frame those thoughts.