Ask Amy: Shopaholic hubby buys marital angst

Dear Amy: I recently found out that my husband has been using high-interest credit cards in his own name to buy expensive luxury items (wine, watches, clothing, etc.).

The total bill of this debt is $20,000. I think this has gone on for years. He said he was a coward for not telling me, and admits that he has been selfish. I have strong concerns about trusting him now.

My husband is a strong Christian and so this level of deception is extremely hypocritical and disappointing. How would you sort through and view this situation?

Amy says: After their purchase, where did these luxury items land? Did your husband conceal thousands of dollars' worth of wine, jewelry and clothing, or did you choose to turn a blind eye to them? If it's the latter, you're not totally free of responsibility here.

Either way, you have opened the door onto your husband's financial deceit and shopping problem, and now you should make sure that you have the full picture. Complete transparency at least will give you a snapshot of where his problems have landed the two of you.

You might start by researching the least-expensive way your husband can negotiate, consolidate and pay back his debt. Selling items he has bought could help to chip away at the debt.

Until he demonstrates that he is actively and responsibly working on solutions, you should take charge of all of your joint finances. At least twice a month, you should sit down together and go over your income, bills and savings.

Digging out will take time, but you can map this out on a calendar. Celebrate the positive steps you're taking toward solvency as you cross various thresholds.

Because you have mentioned your husband's Christian focus, he might benefit from the work of consumer financial adviser Dave Ramsey, whose long-running radio show and podcast casts consumer debt as a spiritual issue. (I agree.)

People calling in to the show share strategies and inspiring stories. Those who have clawed their way out of debt describe the liberation of solvency, as well as the relationship benefits of working together to take back control of your financial future.

Dear Amy: I like keeping a colder house during the winter because it helps me to breathe better. My thermostat is often set at 67. However, when my parents visit, they complain until I set the thermostat to 73 degrees.

My mother has even joked that they will happily foot the entire month's heating bill just for more heat while they're visiting. But the cost is not the issue. I can afford to heat my home to a balmy 73, but that is uncomfortable for me.

What's a reasonable compromise?

Amy says: There is no compromise here. There is only you maintaining a hospitable environment for your parents, who are undertaking a long annual journey in order to spend time in your home.

If you have to choose between your comfort and their comfort, you should choose theirs. If you need a break from the heat, close your bedroom door at night and crack open a window.