Ask Amy: Self-invited guests no longer welcome

Dear Amy: How can I politely say no when friends are passing through town or vacationing here and ask if they can spend a couple of nights with us?

I have never said no to anyone and have always been gracious to anyone staying in our home, but I find I really don't enjoy it. I have extreme stress and anxiety days before they arrive and while they are here.

My husband doesn't understand this. He welcomes anyone who wants to stay with us.

I just don't like having people with us 24 hours a day. I like my privacy at night to rest and read or watch television, and the last thing I want is to see faces at the breakfast table when I get up in the morning. But I don't let on how I feel to the guests.

I know this issue will be coming up again soon. One recent guest already has said he plans to be back in town early next year.

I don't want to offend anyone, but my mental health is more important to me than sharing my home with out-of-towners. How can I suggest that a hotel is a better choice when they ask to stay?

Amy says: Saying "no" firmly but kindly is an act of clarifying grace and, in your case, essential self-care.

The first "no" should go to your husband. Another could go to the self-invited guests: "You mentioned wanting to visit, but I'm finding it very hard to host lately, so hosting you in our home won't be possible. I've found a number of nearby places you could stay, and I'd be happy to spend time with you during your time in town."

If you can't bring yourself to either confront your husband about this or manage an emailed "no," there is one other possibility: You could consider them to be essentially your husband's guests. Then you could either choose to stay elsewhere, or protect your privacy by spending as much time as possible alone, especially at both ends of the day.

Dear Amy: My husband and I frequently go out for dinner with my brother and sister-in-law. Sometimes her sister and husband will join us. They are all drinkers, and we are not.

They usually have more than one drink, but we split the bill evenly. I don't think it is fair that we end up paying for their alcohol, but my husband and I both feel awkward asking for a separate check.

I did ask once for them to buy their drinks before being seated, but that idea didn't fly. I would love your thoughts on this sensitive issue.

If the other two couples want to co-mingle their charges and split the cost down the middle, that's up to them.

You can ask the server directly: "Could you prepare a separate check for the two of us?" There is no need to dive into the awkwardness or explain this to the other diners. Your friends should accept your choice, resume ordering their meals, and not give it another thought.