Ask Amy: Rudeness has gone on long enough

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We each have two grown children from previous marriages. My children love and accept my husband as family. My husband's children have never accepted me.

I met their father years after their parents divorced, so I was in no way a cause of their breakup.

An example of their behavior toward me is when they visit for Christmas each year. They bring their father a Christmas gift and wish him a Merry Christmas, while they completely ignore me. I am left sitting there with a feeling of disbelief.

I've spoken to my husband about my feelings, but it doesn't help. He says his family is dysfunctional.

What should I do?

Amy says: It sounds like your husband is correct that his family is dysfunctional. But an accurate description is not a solution.

Your husband seems to be passively standing by while his children humiliate you — and in your own home. You also seem to have lost your own voice.

You've asked what you should do about their behavior. You have absolutely nothing to lose, and so you might email both of them and say:

"I've been married to your father for 10 years. I had no role in the breakup of your parents' marriage, which happened before he and I met. I regret that I've been tolerating your rudeness toward me for a decade. I'd like to have a positive relationship with you, but at the very least, I do expect you to be polite toward me when you're a guest in our home."

Dear Amy: My 98-year-old father died recently. At the graveside service, our business associate (and family friend) of 45 years ignored my son's boyfriend. My son had to introduce his boyfriend twice before our friend eventually shook his hand.

I did not witness the interaction, but I know how disrespected my son felt. It was an added anguish to an already stressful day. And of course, I am outraged and want to contact the family friend and question him about this blatant bigotry.

I've always suspected that he is homophobic, though he has never said anything out loud. He usually seems to appear kind and thoughtful, in all other interactions.

Amy says: I can think of several reasons someone might resist shaking someone else's hand. For starters, In these post-pandemic times, there are many people who still prefer a fist bump or some other, less-intimate contact. Or maybe your friend has a hearing problem and didn't hear the first introduction.

But your son obviously interpreted this as stemming from homophobia — and you do, too. If you continue to stew on this, you should contact your friend, tell him what your son has told you, let him know that this is upsetting to you and ask for an explanation.

You should accept whatever explanation he offers without challenging it or arguing about it, with the understanding that you already have conveyed your distress about this.