Ask Amy: Reviving old romance is full of landmines

Dear Amy: They say you never forget your first love. Is reaching out to them crossing a line?

Life for me was like a "rom-com" movie; I grew up in a gorgeous home. I was in love with the boy next door, "Brian." We had a pretend wedding when we were kids and always joked about being married to each other. His mom even saved the picture from our pretend wedding.

I loved him very much. We had our first sexual experience together. Then, my father's once-successful business went under and our house was foreclosed. We were forced to move.

Brian wrote me a letter when I moved about how he would always be there for me, and for a while, he was. But then he started having commitment issues, we both met different people and he went away to college.

Fast-forward to today. We both are married to lovely people, and he lives in a different city.

The thought of cheating on my husband makes me cringe. But Brian plays in a band, and I have thought about going to the venue just to "run into" him again.

I think about him every day. I dream about him at least once a week. It's always exciting to dream about him, but I'm sad when I wake up.

Amy says: My amateur take on your persistent dreaming is that your subconscious is trying to repair a series of losses in your life. Your father's business failure, the foreclosure and move, and "Brian's" rejection of you during a period of instability. These all are painful wounds.

Your persistent thoughts and dreams also are an invitation for you to explore and examine your current relationship to your "lovely" husband.

I don't necessarily discourage you from contacting Brian, as long as you realize that it very likely could lead to more pain for you, whether from Brian's lack of interest leading to (another) rejection, or from your obsession leading to the failure of your marriage — or both of your marriages.

Rom-coms are fantasies. The richness of real life comes from understanding and accepting past hurts and losses, owning your regrets and integrating these into your actual lived experience. You're not there yet.

A therapist could help you to sort this out. I highly recommend it for you.

Granted, I am a recovering addict, but she doesn't see the changes that I have made in my life.

I believe I can be there as the father to our child. What can I do to show her that I have changed?

Amy says: The best way to apply for parenting time is through family court.

If you go through the court, you could be ordered to attend parenting classes, take drug tests or attend therapy before you are permitted visitation. You would need to submit proof that you have complied.

If you are attempting to work this out informally, you could fulfill these same recommendations and submit them to the child's mother as proof that you deserve visitation.