Ask Amy: Reluctant fiancé is a source of anguish

Dear Amy: My guy and I have been dating for five years, engaged for three and living together for two. It's a second marriage for us both; we are seniors.

Every time I discuss it, he says he's not ready to set a date. I said I moved in with him because I thought we shared the same long-term goals, and if we don't, I need to make another plan. He said, "I will get married to make you happy, but I don't feel like I'm ready."

I can support myself, and we both contribute to our shared household. It's his home. He recently updated his will to bequeath his two homes and a huge amount of money to me. I'm confused. Marriage, more than money, is so important to me.

I don't understand why he asked me to marry him if he doesn't want to. I don't want to force him to get married. His ex-wife cheated on him and took half of his hard-earned money in the divorce. I'm going to make one last attempt and ask if a prenuptial agreement would help him feel better about setting a date.

I'm in anguish. I also feel humiliated and ashamed with family and friends, because I moved in with marriage as the reason, and now that might not be in the cards for us. I'm also very sad and told him so. That's when he said he would do it, but mainly to make me happy.

I want to resolve this. I could continue to cohabit and wait for when he might be ready, which makes me feel resigned and sad, because it might never happen. Or I could leave, which I don't want to do. Do you have any advice for me? I'm lost.

Amy says: You can resolve this only for yourself. You cannot resolve this for him.

I understand the embarrassment and possible humiliation you might feel at the failure of this relationship to fulfill your own goals, but dragging a reluctant partner over the finish line is hardly the path to the sort of balanced and loving marriage you deserve to have. This is the kind of important conversation a couples counselor could help to facilitate.

Dear Amy: I am the oldest of four siblings. The other three all live out of state. When our mother's cremains were interred two years ago, we agreed that we would split the cost of a headstone, with each responsible for 25% of the cost. My sister said she would take care of securing the headstone, but she never did.

Mom's 100th birthday is this year. Because I got tired of visiting an unmarked grave, I took it upon myself to get (and pay for) a headstone.

I sent an e-mail to each of my siblings with a photo of the installed headstone and detailed cost around Mother's Day. I offered to be flexible about payment options. I've heard from only one sibling. I'm wondering how to kindly ask again.

Amy says: Send a group e-mail saying, "I'm circling back around to make sure you all received the e-mail I sent on Mother's Day. Attached is a photo of the headstone I got for Mom's grave, along with the cost. So far, I've heard back from only (name of sibling). Let me know if you have any questions about this. I hope we get to see each other in person soon ..."