Ask Amy: Praying vs. caring

Dear Amy: I am an atheist and am keeping my spiritual beliefs close to my heart because they would offend most family members and friends who, to various degrees, identify as believers (Christians or otherwise).

When a friend or a family member goes through rough times or faces health issues, I still offer up the expected "thoughts and prayers." I think it is the right sentiment to express support and comfort. Yet every time I express "thoughts and prayers," I feel like a fraud. It feels completely empty to me.

In cards, I have expressed "My heart goes out to you," "You are in my heart and in my thoughts," "I feel your pain and wish I could lift it," etc. These were heartfelt sentiments. But for me, these sentiments do not seem to have the same effect and impact as "prayers," which is what people seem to react to, need and ultimately thank me for.

Should I keep offering "prayers" although ultimately it's an empty term to me, or express my feelings in other, more personal ways that do not mean quite as much to the concerned persons?

Amy says: My point of view is that the "thoughts and prayers" phrase has been so overused and misused sarcastically that it has become a meme and therefore free of any specific meaning.

The personal phrases you use instead are thoughtful and sincere. The most important thing is that you care and are offering yourself up as a concerned and supportive witness to someone else's grief. That is a powerful expression of your humanity.

Dear Amy: Whenever my husband and I are invited to family gatherings, his siblings do not mind their children. This can lead to the youngsters wandering unattended by the lake, riding bikes into busy roads and hitting the family dogs.

My husband and I have brought this to the attention of the in-laws, but they shake it off and say I should just join them and let kids be kids. Am I wrong to think that young children should have an adult (or responsible teen) watching over them when at family gatherings?

Amy says: The children are extra-vulnerable because of the exact dynamic you describe: Lots of kids of varying ages, unfamiliar hazards and inattentive elders who are drinking and distracted.

Yes, at least one responsible person definitely should keep an eye on the children. Perhaps instead of physically intervening you could notify a parent: "Brandon seems very close to the lake. Do you see him?"