Ask Amy: Offering help on being helpful

Dear Amy: Which is the default position regarding asking for help vs. offering to help?

For instance, let’s say I’m at work and someone walks past my desk several times, carrying a big box each time. Assuming that carrying the big box is part of their job, do I stop doing my job to help, just because it is the polite thing to do?

Or because the person obviously sees me each time they pass by, would the onus be on them to ask for help if they truly needed it? (I would gladly help, by the way.)

I see lots of people throughout my day potentially in need of assistance (loading groceries into their car, reaching for something on a high shelf, etc.). But without them requesting help, I feel like I could be spending my days constantly helping others as opposed to doing the things I need to do for myself.

Is it my responsibility to assume that people in need are too shy to ask for help and, therefore, I always should be offering it? I know every case is different, but I’m looking for a default position.

Amy says: If you are using a defibrillator to jump-start someone’s heart when a big-box-bearing colleague walks past, then by all means, carry on with what you’re doing. If you’re staring into space and someone’s passing by carrying a big box, then I think you should ask, “Can I give you a hand with that?”

The way you frame this dilemma, you seem to believe that if you pay too close attention, you could spend your days leaping up to help strangers. You should be the person who offers to fetch something off a high shelf, offers to hold the door for a parent pushing a stroller or offers to help if someone seems to be struggling to carry a box across your field of vision.

Dear Amy: My aunt has fallen on hard financial times and has begun leaning on me. Although she has a daughter, two stepsons, a nephew, and the biological father of the granddaughter she is raising, I’m the only one willing to help. Others are quite able but unwilling because of fallings-out over the years.

I give her money every month, but she consistently asks for more. I am giving her what I can without wrecking my own financial plans. Do you have any suggestions about how to say no to further requests without seeming heartless? I’m feeling angry and taken advantage of, not only by my aunt, but by the others standing by and not helping.

Amy says: I agree with your instinct to continue to protect yourself. Be completely straightforward: “This is the limit to what I can give.” You also can help her explore and apply for social services.