Ask Amy: New friend rankles widow's daughter

Dear Amy: My husband of 50 years died over two years ago. I am content with my single life and have had no interest in dating.

Last year I went on a group trip to Spain. There were several single older people on the tour. I was totally shocked when a gentleman asked me to join him for lunch when we returned home.

Our spouses died at about the same time, and we have a lot of similar interests. Over the last year we have become great companions. I am not interested in marriage, only friendship.

The trouble is that one of my daughters is adamant about not wanting to meet him. He has no local family. I would like to have him meet her family and have him celebrate with us for holidays.

She says that she will let me know when she is ready.

I feel very bad that I have to exclude my friend when my daughter is around. I am sure that she would not come to my home for Thanksgiving if he was invited. How should I handle this situation?

Amy says: Your daughter has told you that she will meet your male friend when she is ready. So, take her at her word.

I hope you will talk with her about this. Reassure her that you have no desire to replace her father and have no thoughts of marrying again. This gentleman and you both have lost spouses, and this friendship has helped you to move through your loss.

Ask your daughter to share her own feelings or fears about this relationship, and listen with compassion. (Would she respond this way if you enjoyed companionship with a female friend?)

And then move forward. Before inviting him to spend the holidays with your family, you should start with an invitation for coffee, and ask your daughter to join you. If your daughter won't share this time with him, be patient and trust that she will come around when she is ready.

Dear Amy: Often when I meet someone new, they'll ask me if I have children. When I say no, they will then ask if I have pets. I'm tempted to ask why they think a dog or cat can replace a child, but because I know that would be rude, I keep my mouth shut.

Do you have any suggestions for something I can say to them that would indicate their question is inappropriate, without sounding rude?

It sounds as if these people are trying to find some common ground as a way to get to know you. Approximately two-thirds of Americans have pets, and so there is a likelihood that this question would lead to a conversation.

One way to respond to a query you don't feel like addressing directly is to say, "Hmmm, that's an interesting question. Why do you ask? It sounds like maybe you have pets?"

Or you can end this awkwardness and segue into a different conversation by saying, "I'm childless, petless, and happy! How about you?"