Ask Amy: Neighbor's flag raises a flap

Dear Amy: We've been living next door to a very good neighbor for almost 30 years. "Charles" is helpful and friendly, and we genuinely like him.

His political views are 180 degrees different than ours. Until now, it hasn't been an issue, as we have plenty of other things to discuss (gardening, family, etc.), and we have kept our views to ourselves.

The problem is that he has hung a large flag a few feet from our backyard fence. This flag contains a message representing ideals that are abhorrent to us.

I don't think it's an intentional attack on us or anything like that. But we cannot avoid seeing it anytime we're in our yard. No other neighbors can see it, but friends visiting us often ask how we feel about it.

My husband and I don't want to ruin what has been a good relationship for years. But this is very upsetting to me. It is a constant reminder of the ugly divisions in our country.

I find myself avoiding my own yard (and feeling bad toward my neighbor). What's your advice?

Amy says: You don't provide any details about this flag, nor do you say what your personal politics are, and so I am determined to envision this issue from a wide spectrum.

We live in a country where everyone is free to let their freak flag fly, and where people like you and your neighbor can live cordially and peacefully side-by-side, each free to express themselves — or to stay quiet, if that is what you prefer to do.

Your options are to fly a flag or banner of your own, to express your own views directly or indirectly through a multitude of media, or to exercise your own freedom to keep your thoughts to yourself.

I can't tell you how to feel, but you might feel differently if you were able to reframe this. "Tolerance" is a challenge to accept others' freedom of expression, even if you find their views abhorrent.

And so when friends ask you what you think of your neighbor's flag, you can say, "Every day when I see it, I'm forced to appreciate the First Amendment."

Dear Amy: Recently there was an infidelity issue (on my part) between my husband and me. We are working on our marriage, and things appear to be getting much better.

His best friend doesn't speak to me anymore, but I reached out to let him know that I still love him and his girlfriend, don't want to lose them and hope they don't hate me. He responded, stating that he isn't making any judgment calls until he gives it time to see how my husband is feeling.

When it comes time for me to see them, do you have any advice about how to not feel uncomfortable, awkward or scared? I'm afraid they will be glaring at me with hatred the whole time.

Amy says: Your husband's friend responded to you honestly and responsibly. You also handled that encounter well.

Aside from that, it's important for both you and your husband to convey that you are repairing your relationship, but that otherwise the workings of your marriage are private.