Ask Amy: Missing her estranged nephews

Dear Amy: My brother has been married twice. He and his first wife had two children. During the divorce, he tried to gain custody of the children, but she was awarded custody, and he stayed in contact with his two children for a while.

But then things turned for the worst when she accused my brother of child abuse. She also physically threatened him. He decided not to have any contact with her or his children. He told the family that we shouldn't contact them, either.

He had another child in his second marriage, which ended when their child was in elementary school. He hasn't seen that child in years.

When one of my nephews was graduating from high school, he contacted me to ask why their father wasn't coming to graduation. It was heartbreaking to hear the sadness in his voice.

His children are young adults now. I don't see my brother often. But I do think about my nephews and wish that they were a part of the family.

I would like to contact them. My other siblings do not want to initiate any contact with them. I also do not want to involve my parents, who are elderly, in poor health and have decided to abide by my brother's wishes.

I am willing to sacrifice my relationship with my brother to reach out, but should I? What should I say? Should I tell my brother?

You understand that by doing so, you likely will be sacrificing a relationship with your brother. But from your description, it doesn't sound as if you have much of a relationship, anyway.

Nor do I see any reason to inform or ask your brother's permission.

If you are able to contact these nephews, you don't need to say much. You could identify yourself as their aunt and tell them that you've thought about them. You can say, "Here is my contact information in case you want to be in touch."

I think it is vital for you to keep your expectations — and theirs — in check. Given that no one else in your family is interested in these men, being in touch with them will not bring them into the family fold.

Furthermore, it is impossible for you to have an accurate picture of their upbringings. You should assume that they carry childhood baggage. You cannot necessarily unburden them, but knowing that you are interested in them might help.

I'm in high school. My family and I were getting food at a drive-thru after our softball game. It was a big order. When our food was handed to us, Mom quickly passed it to us in the back seat and drove away from the restaurant.

We dove in and were helping ourselves to some chicken from a bucket when we noticed that we had been handed part of someone else's order. We told our mother that we'd gotten extra food that wasn't ours, but she said there wasn't anything we could do about it and that we just got lucky.

We felt bad that someone else hadn't gotten their food. What should we have done?

Amy says: Because you had started eating the food, returning it wouldn't have been possible. You could have quickly called the restaurant to let them know of the mistake as a courtesy to clear up any subsequent confusion caused by the mixup.