Dear Amy: I've been with my partner for almost 16 years. Throughout this time, he has said some mean things to me, thinking he's just being funny or making a joke. Most recently, in the course of a conversation, he "jokingly" called me an "old bag," thinking that how he said it was clever.
He's always so proud of himself when he makes a "funny" statement. I called him out on it, telling him that I thought that was a mean comment and not funny at all. He said nothing in return.
We are currently on vacation, and I'm having a hard time not thinking about this and how angry I am at him for saying this and spoiling our vacation from the start.
He gets this sense of humor from his family. I understand it intellectually, but it still hurts. Am I being too sensitive?
Amy says: I shared your question with stand-up comedian and Emmy Award-winning comedy writer Josh Gondelman. His response:
As Mel Brooks famously said: "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." In plainer terms, it can be funny when someone else gets hurt.
The problem here is that your partner is laughing at the pain of someone (you) he sleeps next to every night. So when you feel pain, it would (presumably) make a difference to him.
Are you being sensitive? Sure. Too sensitive? I don't know about that. But here's the thing: When you tell a joke and there's an audience of two, and half of that audience doesn't laugh, that joke has bombed.
