Ask Amy: Maid of honor rethinks the ‘honor’

Dear Amy: I am the maid of honor for my best friend’s wedding, which is taking place this summer. It’s a big job, and I have done my very best to step up in all of the expected ways.

Like other people who have faced this demanding role, it can strain a friendship. But my friendship with “Chloe” (the bride) has survived just fine — so far, anyway.

Last week, Chloe texted me to say that she has just sent out the invitations and that “William,” my boyfriend of several years, has not been invited. She said that she feels terrible about this, but there are “serious space constraints.” She has planned for 125 guests at the reception.

Chloe has met William several times (we live in different states), and she knows that we live together. I’m completely shocked by this exclusion, and I don’t know how to respond. Any ideas?

Amy says: One of the most basic guidelines concerning wedding invitations is that engaged couples, long-time partners and couples living together should be invited as a couple.

Chloe might justify her rudeness by thinking that her attendants will be very busy, and because you won’t be able to spend much time with William during the ceremony and reception, she might as well exclude him.

My instinct is that this is yet one more sacrifice she expects you to make as her maid of honor. Some honor, right?

Even if she doesn’t change her mind, in my opinion you have an obligation to carry on with your role in the wedding. But the longer-term friendship might take a real hit.

Dear Amy: I have a friend whose husband died suddenly more than eight years ago. She speaks often about how difficult her life is without “Bart,” and how perfect their marriage was. She is financially secure, has many friends and is in therapy.

I, and all of her friends, sympathize with her. I know there is no right timetable for grief.

Recently she put a full-face picture of her dead husband as her profile picture on her cellphone, so that whenever she calls me, Bart’s face pops up. I find it disturbing to see the face of this dead man on my own cellphone.

Is there any reasonable way I can let her know that I respect her grief, but the cellphone photo is disturbing?

One thing I do know is that your friend might not realize that Bart’s photo pops up when she calls you. On my phone, the photos that pop up are ones I’ve assigned to various contacts.

Rather than describing this as “disturbing,” you could start by asking her, “Do you realize that whenever you call me, Bart’s photo shows up on my phone?”

She might tell you that she has deliberately set it up as her profile photo. If this is her intent, you could tell her, “When you call me, I’m always startled to see Bart’s face. It takes me a minute or two to get oriented. Have other people mentioned this?”

After that, I think you should let it go.