Ask Amy: Loving grandchild is not a competition

Dear Amy: My daughter and son-in-law recently welcomed our first grandchild. Both the other grandma and I have shared part-time babysitting to help the parents with their work schedules. We also have helped on weekends when they have social obligations, etc.

Recently, it feels as if we are being pitted against the other grandparents as to how much we are doing for them and vice versa. This makes me uncomfortable — like I'm being pushed into a corner.

My husband is still working, and I am caring for an adult child with special needs. I'm not saying that the other in-laws have no obligations, but, unlike us, they have roots in the area and a large extended family.

It suddenly feels like we don't love our grandchild as much as the other side of the family does. I don't want to participate in this kind of dynamic.

What can I say and do to assert myself in a kind way? I would do anything for my grandchild and feel we are extremely generous with our time and gifts.

We are definitely the second choice when it comes to holidays, birthdays and special occasions. It feels like a no-win, and the resentment only grows.

Any says: To clarify, you aren't asking to do less — or more — in terms of child care. You would like to be treated differently by the adults.

Keep in mind that even though most parenting experiences are universal, she won't see your situations as being analogous. New parents never do.

You very wisely say that you don't want to participate in a dynamic of competition with the other set of grandparents. So don't ask for "equal time" or even equal attention with the other grandparents and rooted extended family who live nearby. Do not let your daughter manipulate you (this isn't good for either of you).

Do ask your daughter to be aware of her tone and of your feelings.

Dear Amy: My family just received another "form" thank-you from a newly married couple whose wedding we attended.

We gave a very generous gift of several hundred dollars and enjoyed celebrating with them. However, the envelope was marked to my husband only and not even with the effort of a "Mr." — just his name.

Amy, what gives? I get that things are different for this new generation, but is a personalized thank-you too much to ask?

Amy says: Many of these "form" thank-you notes supply printed language and leave gaps for the grateful sender to fill in particulars: "Dear (name), Thank you so much for the (gift). Sincerely/Love (sender's name)."

Or, there are no blanks to fill in — just vaguely worded slips of greeting card gratitude, using fancy fonts to fill the space where actual gratitude should reside.

In general, these forms carry the personality of a utility bill; receiving them can seem like a gentle, fancy-fonted diss.

That having been said, you do not get to criticize someone for leaving "Mr." off of your husband's name (and yes, your name should have been included).