Ask Amy: Learn to say no to son's begging

Dear Amy: One of my sons, who will be 21 soon, moved out a little over a year ago, with no plan and no place to live. He has bounced between friends' houses, a short stay at his brother's house and with a family he met at a church he joined. I'm not sure where he's living now.

I have given him a lot of money over the past 14 months, and I mean a lot! I put myself in a terrible financial situation (didn't pay credit card bills for months, cashed in the tiny amount of retirement savings I had, etc.).

I did this to help him, only to learn (by his admission) that he lied to me about many things, including what the money was for.

There was a pause in him asking for money for about six weeks when he was living with a family from his church and working. But now he's back to asking for money almost every day.

I promised myself that I would not help him again, but I can't stand the thought of him being without food or a place to stay. I need your help to figure out how to say no to him without feeling tremendous guilt and constant worry.

I'm concerned that he doesn't have the skills to make it on his own (he's on the autism spectrum — high-functioning), but I also think he is a master at guilt-tripping me to get what he wants.

My fear is that when I finally say no to one of his requests, that will be the time that he actually needs it.

Amy says: You know that you should not give your son money, and so the next time he asks, you should offer to meet him in person in order to share a meal with him or give him food.

If he is involved with a church community, you could reach out to the leadership to thank them for how they've assisted him in the past and ask what resources might be available to him now.

Do not give him cash — ever. Your practice of doing this has impoverished you and might have contributed to his problems. But do not give up on him. A clinical social worker could work with both of you to connect him with supportive programs and resources for someone with his particular challenges.

You must tell your partner about this. Your financial secrecy will hurt an important intimate relationship at a time when you need personal support.

Dear Amy: What is it with all these huggers? I don't want to hug at every (or any) meetup. I especially don't want to hug during a pandemic!

Amy says: The pandemic did relieve people of the social pressure to hug and be hugged. Now that our world seems to be opening again, many people are racing headlong into close physical contact.

If you don't want to be hugged, you might have to be very assertive about it. And you'll need to train the huggers in your circle. Use body language (putting both hands out) and say, "Sorry, I've stopped hugging. I hope a fist-bump will do."