Ask Amy: Late wife haunts new relationship

Dear Amy: I am a widow. I've been in a relationship with "Bernie," a widower, for nine years. We live quite a distance apart and trade off spending weekends together.

A few years ago, when Bernie established a FaceTime account, he included his late wife "Bernice's" name on. Now when he FaceTimes with me, the notification comes in as from "BernieandBernice."

I have asked him to change it, and his reply is that he cannot change it and that he still "cares about her." I think he does not want to change it.

I take issue with this. It's as though he is including her in our personal and sometimes intimate conversations. Bernie says I am too sensitive; I say he is insensitive.

I feel it is disrespectful to me, and also to his late wife. It hurts me terribly every time I receive a FaceTime call from him. I have shed many tears because of this.

My friends say they would never tolerate such insulting disregard. What do you suggest?

Amy says: The way I read your account, you believe he chose this particular "handle" for his FaceTime calls after you two started seeing one another, but FaceTime handles often are tied to an email account, and if he and Bernice shared an email account, this handle would automatically turn up on FaceTime.

If receiving these calls upsets you so much, then you should stop accepting them when they come in. Don't make a big deal about it. Just tell him that you can't seem to get over this particular hill.

Perhaps during one of your weekends at Bernie's, you two might research other video chatting services to use where this issue wouldn't surface.

Dear Amy: Many years ago, I left my wife and child. I'm not proud of what I did, but I acknowledge that I basically abandoned them.

I moved to another part of the country and basically started over. I am a better man now. I have a solid marriage and two children I love and care for.

I have not seen my son from my first marriage since he was 9. He is now in his early 20s and has contacted me. He wants to have a relationship, but I don't want to have one with him. I don't think I can continue on the positive path I have in life if I have to go back and pick up the pieces from my previous mistakes.

Amy says: Picking up the pieces from your previous mistakes is the way to continue on a positive path. If you can't do that, then you really aren't a better man. You're just a different version of the man you were.

I suggest that you tell your son much of what you say here, acknowledging that you abandoned him and that you are ashamed, but that you are not brave enough to have a relationship with him now. Express your fervent hope that he grows to be a better man than you've been.