Ask Amy: It's not too late to mend relationship

Dear Amy: I am married with two children — one 15 and a younger kiddo who is 5.

I am sometimes a mean mom. I am impatient and I yell, often when my big kid is challenging me or not listening. This results in her crying.

This happens almost daily, and has happened for years. I am not proud of my actions. I am filled with shame and sadness over the way I have handled things and the emotional damage I have caused.

I worry that this has caused my daughter to be insecure and not as outgoing or happy as she could've been with a nicer mom. I also think that she is suffering from depression.

I feel like once she goes to college I will have missed my chance to heal my relationship, help her feel more confident and have better self-esteem.

I think if I had not been so mean, she would've blossomed into a more confident young woman.

What should I do?

Yelling isn't necessarily the core problem. What you say has a greater impact than the volume with which you say it. A personal putdown will be etched onto your daughter's heart, and if you do this, you need to stop immediately.

When you're frustrated, use "I" statements: "I get so frustrated when it seems like you're not listening." Rather than: "You never listen."

Your daughter is overwhelmed and lacks the language — or doesn't feel safe — to describe her feelings. She should be screened for depression.

I shared your question with Kimberly Kopko, director of the Parenting Project at Cornell University.

She responded: "It is not too late to try to make amends and navigate a new way of relating. Knowing that you are sorry and committed to making changes will likely be the most powerful message you can give her.

"The benefits of parenting education are well documented and include improvements in parents' confidence, competence and parental satisfaction and increases in positive language and discipline practices. Your daughter will benefit from improved interactions with you, which will help to regulate her behavior.

"You may not feel like you have much influence on your daughter, but her behavior is highly correlated with the bond she has with you.

"You also might wish to talk with a family therapist about your situation, and include your daughter in the sessions. Finally, do not give up hope. Your commitment to change is commendable."

Dear Amy: Last month, my 32-year-old daughter suffered a traumatic brain injury from a congenital birth defect. She was in a coma and is now a walking miracle.

Her work family has been so helpful and supportive. Her boss started a GoFundMe account for her and also arranged emergency funds for her.

Amy says: GoFundMe.com has a helpful guide for how to thank donors. You should do this quickly and personally through the site, acknowledging the donation, expressing your deep gratitude and letting the donor know how their donation was used.

Also, post updates on the site, so donors can track your daughter's progress.

You should send a handwritten note to her boss, expressing your deep gratitude for his compassion and kindness, and asking him to share the message with others in the office.