Ask Amy: Half-asleep sex still needs consent

Dear Amy: I am a woman in a long-term relationship. We have a good relationship, talking through issues and agreeing on most things. When we disagree, we communicate, clear the air and move on.

The other night, my partner woke up in the middle of the night and performed a sex act with me that I did not enjoy and would never consent to, had I been asked. I did not, in the moment, stop it or verbalize non-consent.

I took a few days to process the incident. I then tried to discuss it with him.

He said he vaguely remembers this, but claims to remember none of the details. He told me he feels bad that this happened, and I asked for time to continue to process my feelings.

He wants to jump straight back into our usual, physically affectionate relationship, but I'm not sure that I am ready. I know that he will be disappointed but respectful if I ask him to hold off on having sex, but that can't last forever.

How can I continue to process my emotions about this and work toward building emotional and physical intimacy with my partner?

I can't afford therapy, and I'm not sure if I even know how I feel in order to be able to talk about it with someone. Can you give me some feedback?

If so, he needs to disclose this to you. If not, his memory is unacceptably vague.

The issue of consent between lovers can seem complicated, but your partner performing a sex act with you in the middle of the night is a violation — regardless of whether you verbalized lack of consent at the time.

Asleep or half-asleep, you were not in a position to offer or refuse consent.

You frame this as your problem to solve. It's not. You shouldn't need to "ask him to hold off on physical intimacy," as if he would be doing you a favor while you "get over" this episode.

If he wants to resume an emotional and physical relationship with you, he should work very hard to understand your reaction and rebuild trust.

Dear Amy: This has been an ongoing problem between my husband and me.

If I ask a question like, "Do you mind if I turn this program off, or are you watching it?" he will answer "yes" or "no," and these one-word answers do not make his meaning clear to me.

He says it is my fault for asking two contradictory questions at the same time, but I maintain that even a short two-word answer would make his meaning clear.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable and should limit myself to one question at a time. I think I'm being polite. Who's right?

Amy says: If you want a straightforward answer, ask a simple question.

I agree with you that your way of asking is polite.

And I hope that you will both agree with me that spouses should always do their best to be generous in all of their communications.