Ask Amy: Grandparenting leaves no time for romance

Dear Amy: My longtime male friend and I have been together for 15 years. We talked about marriage for a while, but that impulse waned. I think we both believe that we have a good relationship and that marrying or living together might change that.

He is a great, easygoing man. I love him dearly, and I know he loves me, too. Here is the caveat: We both have grandkids from our previous marriages.

I feel, as most grandmothers do, that my grandkids are the loves of my life. He feels the same about his grandchildren.

When it comes to sitting with the little ones, however, he is over the top. He babysits several days a week, as well as staying overnight when his kids take a trip.

I find myself alone more and more. We used to do things together (take drives, visit museums, bike, golf, etc.), but now days like that are few and far between.

I never say anything because I understand his feelings for his grandchildren, and I don't want to create ill feelings.

However, lately, I've started noticing other men — I think more out of the need for companionship than anything else. And, yes, I have dated a few other men and have been intimate with two of them.

Amy says: Your friend's interests have shifted. Because those new interests involve caretaking for the little loves in his life, you can either join him in this pursuit or find a new golf partner.

Some grandparents suppress their other identities in favor of their role as a grandparent, and while this can be great for the grandkids, it can swamp other relationships.

You already are engaging in pursuing other relationships, and the way not to feel guilty about this is to tell this man the truth.

Dear Amy: I am in my 60s, very happily married. I am infertile because of medical complications early in my life, and I have never handled the situation of my infertility well at all.

I struck up a friendship with a lovely younger woman. We have many things in common, despite the difference in age. She is married and has a young child.

Please don't recommend counseling. I have tried it and it does not help. Still, I want to be happy for her, but I can't, and this is breaking my heart. Any suggestions?

Amy says: I wonder if a counselor has ever told you that it is not necessary for you to be happy (genuinely or otherwise) for a pregnant woman. All you need to do is to accept it as a fact of this woman's life, along with accepting the feelings this brings up in you.

One way to cope with challenging emotions is to recognize them when they arise, to accept the reasons behind them and to allow yourself to feel them, understanding that they will subside.

It would help if you explained your history to your friend. You can tell her that pregnancy brings up complicated emotions for you.

If you find you are ruminating excessively (It sounds as if you are), then talking it through with a counselor really would be in order, even if you believe it hasn't helped in the past.