Ask Amy: Grandma troubled by the way kids treated

Dear Amy: I am the grandmother of two wonderful kids — a 7-year-old girl and 3-year-old boy.

My son-in-law has been overly critical of my granddaughter since she was 4, and now is starting to treat the younger child the same. My daughter stood up for her children three years ago, and they separated for six months, mainly because of his inability to be more patient with the children. (There were some other issues.) She and the kids lived with me at that time.

They've been to counseling off and on for a couple of years. But he still is mean, calling the kids idiots and often using foul language. He tries to teach them patience and manners by yelling, and he holds the older child to a standard that he doesn't reach himself.

He has never hit them, but he is very intimidating. He is a stay-at-home dad because of health issues and hasn't worked in two years. He rarely cleans and doesn't cook or do laundry.

My daughter doesn't want to hear my opinion anymore. She knows he won't change and she would have to kick him out again, so she pretends it's not that bad.

They are having financial problems, and I want to offer to have them move in with me. I have plenty of room, but I am worried about getting along with my son-in-law.

I know that I would probably take on most of the child care and housekeeping, but I want what's best for the kids and my daughter. Should I make the offer?

If your daughter perceives your legitimate concern for their welfare as judgment and pressure, she might respond by defensively digging in her heels.

Also keep in mind that if all of you lived together, your home would cease being a safe haven for the children and would become ground zero for the marital spats.

Your daughter and the children have lived with you before; you should make sure she knows that this is always an option if they need housing again.

Dear Amy: Years ago, I planted a tree in my yard that was very close to my property line. The tree has grown a lot.

This year the leaf fall is large, and many of the leaves are falling into my neighbor's yard. They have no trees. All the fallen leaves in that yard are from my tree.

Amy says: In researching your question, I found a number of unfortunate accounts detailing extreme disputes between neighbors brought on by falling leaves.

Legally, leaves falling off of a tree become the responsibility of the person owning the property where they fall. The leaves that land in your yard are your responsibility; the leaves that end up in your neighbors' yard are theirs, no matter if they fall from your tree or blow into the yard from a tree down the street.

But from a relationship standpoint, wouldn't it be neighborly of you to at least offer to rake them? And keep in mind that if the neighbors get sick of cleaning up the leaves, they can cut back the limbs to the property line without your permission. If this is something you'd rather avoid, raking the leaves might appease them.