Ask Amy: Friend's infertility threatens relationship

Dear Amy: My college best friend is struggling with infertility and has gone through multiple rounds of unsuccessful IVF. I've been there to support her through this, even though we live far from each other. My heart aches for her.

I have had two children during the course of her fertility struggles. I have taken great pains to break the pregnancies to her gently, privately and early, but I know it has been difficult for her.

As time has gone on and the medical interventions have ratcheted up, I can feel my friend withdrawing from me.

During this most recent round of IVF, she requested of our text thread of close friends: "No pictures of little ones, please." I'm the only one on the thread with kids, so I imagine this comment was directed at me, even though I don't think I've ever shared a picture on the thread.

I am feeling quite distant from my friend at this point. When we catch up on the phone, even answering the most innocent questions opens up the painful topic of my children.

I want to honor her feelings, but the truth is that my kids are the most important thing in my life right now. It feels strange and strained to avoid references to my family when we interact. I am struggling to know whether authentic friendship is possible here.

Any advice?

You might ask her if she is willing (or able) to form any relationship with your children. Tell her that she is a special person in your life; could they be in her life, too?

If she insists that she cannot tolerate any mention of your children, it means that you can only discuss the central aspect of her life — and not yours. You no longer can be intimate friends, which is another casualty of her fertility struggle.

Dear Amy: A couple of years ago I overheard my sister ask one of her teen grandsons if he had found a girlfriend yet. Later, I explained how uncomfortable that question had made me when I was a gay teen who had not yet come out.

I suggested that if she had to delve into a young person's love life, that she should word the question so that it doesn't assume that the person is a heterosexual, maybe instead asking, "Have you found a special someone in your life, yet?"

She blew me off, saying that if the boy was gay, he would have told her. I lack the words to describe to her the fear of rejection by their families and friends that many (most?) young LGBT+ people go through while working up the courage to come out to their families.

Amy says: Thank you for highlighting how potentially damaging this assumption can be — especially for a young person.

I need to add that I find that the overt curiosity about any teenager's romantic life on the part of grandparents (and other adults) can seem unduly intrusive. Let a teen volunteer this information, if they are so inclined.