Ask Amy: Friend’s drinking is a troubling secret

Dear Amy: Two years ago, my friend “Kim” announced that she has cut alcohol out of her life after her brother died because of his alcoholism.

A couple of times I suspected she had been drinking. Last summer I took my suspicions to her sister-in-law, “Bea,” who confided that Kim is in group therapy for drinking, but that she went on a bender and got her second DUI. I was asked to keep this confidential.

Last month, Kim’s lies got bigger. When she did not return my text messages, I again reached out to Bea. I was told that Kim had to spend 30 days in jail for a drinking episode. Kim texted me within hours of being released, saying she had to care for her ailing dad out of town.

Because I was asked to keep this information confidential, I again chose to go along with Kim’s lies. Now she has informed me that she needs a ride each time we are together. She obviously has lost her driver’s license but refuses to admit it.

I completely understand why she would not want people to know, but I am caught in the crosshairs of her lies. I want to let Kim know that she has no need to lie to me anymore. It is not the drinking problem that bothers me. It’s the lying.

However, I do not want to go back on my word with Bea, who has asked me to keep the infornation quiet. If I approach Kim, it will be obvious how I found out. Do you have any advice on how to proceed without making matters worse?

Amy says: Kim has been lying to you. And you have been lying to her. You’ve trapped yourself by approaching a third party and then agreeing to keep this quiet.

If she continues to deny her drinking, don’t push. Being honest about her drinking will be a big part of supporting her sobriety, but she might not be there, yet.

Dear Amy: I am a relatively healthy 81-year-old retired university professor. I hike eight miles a day. But I recently was diagnosed with preliminary Alzheimer’s disease. I’ve told my wife and daughter about this, but no one else.

I am fully aware of my memory problems, but they are not yet obvious to others. When I meet someone and they say, “Hello, Sam,” I almost never know their name instantly. But most of the time it comes to me eventually.

I presume I will get worse with time. How do I handle revealing the underlying diagnosis to folks as time passes?

Amy says: There is no sturdy protocol for how to handle revealing your diagnosis, but I suggest that you should do this only at a time that feels right for you and in a way that reflects your strong intellect, healthy body and stout character.