Dear Amy: My new friend, "Shelley," has offered way too much information about some abusive relationships in her life. I've tried to be supportive, but every time I see her, I get an onslaught of truly disturbing drama about her exes or other relationships. Everything in Shelley's life is really intense.
These conversations are incredibly triggering for me; I have an anxiety disorder that I'm trying to manage. Shelley texts day or night to talk about some new drama or problem. There never seems to be an opportunity to redirect her or talk about anything else.
My ability to be supportive is wearing thin. She is exhausting. There is nothing about this dynamic that suggests that she cares about me as a person or that she is trying to find her way out of her tornado of drama.
I feel like I've been recruited into some kind of weird dynamic that I never agreed to. Shelley is taking up so much more space than I want. Is there any graceful way to back off without incurring even more drama?
Amy says: You might have been drafted into this drama, but by continuing to participate in the relationship, you seem to have signed yourself up for an extended tour of duty.
Shelley's behavior toward you isn't necessarily personal. She would befriend a begonia if it would take her calls.
The graceful way to handle this is to undertake a slow fade. If she calls, let her leave a message and return the call when you're ready. Don't answer her texts immediately. And don't react in specific terms to her drama or offer advice.
She might respond to this fade by flaring: "You aren't there when I need you!" You could explain truthfully that you simply don't have the bandwidth to handle all that's going on with her.
