Ask Amy: Friend wonders about racist pals

Dear Amy: I have two friends I’ve been extremely close to for 15 years. They have been an important part of my life. But they are not my only close friends.

Based on comments made over the years, I’ve suspected that these people were racists, but only recently have they overtly — almost proudly — declared it. Things have gotten to the point that I no longer can ignore it.

I don’t believe I could change their minds. They seem to feel completely justified in their views. But I believe racism is abhorrent and cannot conceive of any justification for it.

I am struggling with how I could possibly stay friends with them and not feel like a hypocrite. Does a true friend consider racism a character flaw and accept them as they are, or have I outgrown these relationships?

Amy says: Loved ones can sometimes learn to accept and forgive character flaws. But what you’re talking about doesn’t fall under the “character flaw” category.

A racist person has many opportunities to learn, reflect and change their mind. An antiracist has an ethical duty to try to engage with racist people and institutions in order to inspire this kind of change.

The Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture has published a guide about how to incorporate antiracist ideals into your life. They suggest:

• Offer an alternative perspective: “Have you ever considered --------.”

• Speak your truth: “I don’t see it the way you do. I see it as ----------.”

• Find common ground: “We don’t agree on ----------, but we can agree on ----------.”

• Give yourself the time and space you need: “Could we revisit this conversation about -------- tomorrow?”

• Set boundaries: “Please do not say ---------- again to me or around me.”

Dear Amy: My daughter is in second grade. She is an only child and is mainly a pleasure to be around. However, her dad and I have noticed a tendency to push right up against a rule or boundary. Sometimes, especially when she feels comfortable, she steps over the line. She will act loud, brassy, demanding and obnoxious.

She has been begging us to let her go on a sleepover at her friend’s house. The friend is a really nice girl, and her parents seem great, although we don’t know them intimately. The girls have had successful playdates.

I’m not confident that my daughter will be on her best behavior while staying overnight, and her father and I wonder about the best approach. Any suggestions?

Amy says: Your daughter might not be ready to spend the night at another child’s house, but she might be ready to host another child for a sleepover. Hosting might offer her an important perspective on her own behavior.

The risk of sending her to another child’s house before she can behave politely is that if things go badly, she will not be asked back.

You should coach her on ways to modulate her behavior and practice ways for her to be a good guest and a great friend.