Ask Amy: Former friend burned her bridges

Dear Amy: I am in a group of four women who had played bridge together almost every week for more than 25 years. A year ago, one of the group abruptly sent a series of texts and emails telling us that she can't be friends with us anymore.

She seems to be particularly mad at me. I emailed her trying to find out what had happened.

She started with a paragraph about all my wonderful qualities, but then she said that we no longer can be friends. She wrote that I've done "1,000 things to hurt" her over the years, but she wouldn't tell me what they were.

Her son is getting married soon, and she has invited the other two members of our group, but not my husband and me. I'm quite devastated by this and communicated my feelings.

As far as I know, she doesn't see or talk to the other two, either. Still, I'm very hurt that they are going to the wedding when I've been so slighted.

How can I keep the hurt from affecting the relationship between the remaining three of us?

Amy says: I'm not sure it's fair to judge these other people for accepting an invitation you have been denied.

I cannot decode this person's motives for you. Perhaps if there is an extreme difference in temperament and personality between the two of you (you are outgoing and assertive, she is shy and passive), she might have felt dominated or silenced.

You could ask your other friends for any insight they might have; one advantage of their glancing contact with this person is that they might bring back some valuable information.

Dear Amy: A few years ago, I started volunteering for a small nonprofit food organization. This isn't my first experience as an involved volunteer, and of course, I've also been in various workplaces.

While I enjoyed and felt good about what I was doing, I overlooked the lack of protocols for safety and training, attributing it to the organization's own growth and learning, especially in these post-pandemic years.

When I tried to address issues as they arose, however, I felt unheard. Nothing was done. I haven't felt appreciated or respected by staff or even other volunteers.

I told them I was taking three months off to focus on other responsibilities. Recently I got a message from the volunteer coordinator asking if I'd enjoyed my time away, and would I like to return?

As much as I care about the cause, I can't go back if things don't change there, but I'm not sure how to address these issues. Should I write a short response indicating that I have concerns, or a longer one outlining all of them as constructive criticism?

Amy says: You should respond by outlining your specific concerns. Keep your tone neutral, but definitely describe any health and safety violations you witnessed, as well as the lack of adequate training.

Tell them that you value their mission but that you won't be returning as a volunteer.