Ask Amy: Family celebration isn't cruising along

Dear Amy: My husband will be turning 80 next year, and I suggested to my daughter that, because everyone in our family loves Disney World, the 10 of us should spend the week of his birthday in Orlando. (My husband's birthday falls during a holiday week, so the grandchildren are not in school.)

My daughter wants to go on a cruise, instead. She is well aware that my husband does not want to go on a cruise. Nonetheless, she and her family have planned a cruise for themselves that week, which means they won't be with us for the birthday.

I am very hurt by their decision and find that this is bringing up a long list of past hurts that I have never verbalized. It's pretty much all I think about.

Should I tell her how hurt I am, or should I let it go?

Amy says: The resentment likely wouldn't have built up if you had expressed yourself over the earlier issues. I'm not saying that elder parents should dictate the actions of their adult children, but expressing a basic view ("You have the right to make your own choices, but I disagree with this one") enables you to get it off your chest and move on.

That's especially true when the issues impact your own life, which brings us back to the matter at hand.

I suggest approaching this as a conversation, vs. a confrontation. Don't use loaded words like "selfish," "thoughtless" or "ungrateful." Say to her, "I'm confused by your choice to take the kids on a cruise the same week that we proposed taking the whole family to Orlando to celebrate your father's birthday. Can you explain your thinking?"

Dear Amy: When my parents were living, I traveled to seasonal family events, despite the taunts of a younger sister who is a classic bully. She needled and provoked and then found a way to blame me for her actions.

There was no right way to approach her about this. To confront or walk away were equally disparaged by family members. So I took the only option that remained: I stopped attending events when she was there.

Once our parents died, she felt free to exclude me from the three separate weddings of her children, none of whom were ever friendly to me, despite my efforts to have relationships with them.

These actions contributed to my estrangement from her family, and eventually that of my younger siblings.

I have since reunited with the other siblings. All of them live in the same area. I was invited to visit but declined because they wanted to include the bully and her family.

Amy says: I'm with you. However, I think it's important for you to understand that by declining to visit with your other siblings because of your estrangement with your younger sister, she is continuing to control you.

You maintain that she is avoiding you. So, let her continue to avoid you as you enjoy your renewed relationship with your siblings. If you do encounter her and she resumes her bullying behavior, you can calmly and promptly make the choice to leave.