Ask Amy: Don't let drunk father derail wedding day

Dear Amy: I moved out of my parents' house when I was 16 because of my alcoholic father and very complicated mom. I moved into my boyfriend's parents' house. They have treated me like their own, and I have a very good relationship with them.

I have a decent relationship with my parents, but only when my dad is sober. If he drinks too much, he becomes combative and verbally abusive.

I recently got engaged. When planning the wedding, I asked my boyfriend's father that if my dad became too drunk, could he walk me down the aisle. But then someone suggested having both him and my dad walk me down the aisle.

Today I lightly suggested this to my father, and I feel like I hurt his feelings, but what should I do? I feel like if I don't let them both walk me, then my boyfriend's father will be disappointed, but I don't know if I can fully depend on my father, either.

Amy says: The essential error I believe you made was making your request contingent: "If my dad gets too drunk, will you walk me down the aisle?"

First of all, how very sad that you even have to think about that. But, of course, you do, because that's what life is like for the child of an alcoholic — every decision you make regarding your own life has a "what if" at its core.

Being raised in the household rattled by addiction is extremely destabilizing. Children of alcoholics are most often on high alert trying to anticipate other people's feelings, so they can try to head off problems or incidents before they become overwhelming.

My suggestion is that you recognize both families — the one that you escaped from and the one that lovingly took you in. Tell these fathers that you would like them both to flank you as you walk down the aisle.

If your father doesn't want to do this, decides to punish you by acting unhappy about it or gets too drunk to manage, then you should press ahead with your fiancé's father.

In the meantime, I urge you to find a support group for adult children of alcoholics. This sort of support could help you so much as you enter this exciting and stressful time of your life. Check adultchildren.org.

Dear Amy: For the first time since 2019, the company where I work is hosting a holiday party. My memory of previous parties is that they could sometimes get a little wild. There were too many opportunities for embarrassment.

The older I get, the less I want to participate in this kind of thing, but the understanding is that attendance is more or less mandatory. I'd appreciate your take on this and if you think it's necessary for me to attend.

Should you go? Yes. Should you drink? No.

Show up, enjoy some of the food, make sure your various bosses see that you are there, don't talk shop but exchange pleasantries and stay for at least 90 minutes. Thank the organizers for setting it all up.

Once you have made the rounds, you can liberate yourself into the night, your reputation (hopefully) intact.