Ask Amy: Divorced dad is playing favorites

Dear Amy: My boyfriend "Steve" and I have been together for over two years. He is extremely kind and generous. I can see a long-term future with him.

Steve is divorced with three children, ages 5 (a son, "A"), 7 (a daughter, "B"), and 9 (a son, "C"). He gets the kids every other weekend and also sees them during the weekdays.

The issue is that Steve openly favors A and is disdainful of B. I have spoken to him repeatedly of the obvious favoritism and the mistreatment of his daughter, but he then accuses me of favoring her.

When we get into arguments about the kids, he blames the kids for me being upset and will punish them.

Steve staunchly denies treating the kids differently, even though multiple people have brought it to his attention. B even confided in me that their mother has threatened legal action if he doesn't change his behavior.

I am worried that if he doesn't start acknowledging the deeper issues and rectifying his relationship with his daughter, his ex will take him to court (and rightfully so). I also am torn, wondering if I should stay with someone who refuses to accept any responsibility in conflict, particularly when it comes to his children.

Amy says: No, you should not stay with someone who refuses to accept any responsibility regarding conflicts and who blames and punishes his children if you become upset.

When pondering life in the longer term with this man, I'd like you to imagine the next 10 years with three children growing into challenging adolescent and teen years, with you trying to mediate on the kids' behalf between two warring parents, with at least one of these parents unwilling to even consider altering his behavior, even when it threatens to harm his relationship with his family.

You should be with someone who is willing to co-parent through conflict, because when it comes to step-parenting, if you don't work as a team, you don't work.

Dear Amy: My husband was recently diagnosed with cancer (for the second time). While we have been assured that this likely is not a death sentence, we have an unpredictable journey ahead of us with tests, treatments, lifestyle changes and so on.

Would you please ask your readers not to dismiss news like this? One person said to me, "Oh, that cancer is nothing!" Maybe it would be nothing to her, but it certainly is something to us.

And I realize that people mean well when they say, "I know several people who have had cancer, and they're fine." More people are surviving cancer today, but we are in the early stages and uncertain about everything.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Amy says: I am offering your comment as yet another in a series of "public service announcements" regarding how people sometimes respond to troubling health news.

Saying something like, "I had a friend with that, and it's no big deal," might seem helpful or reassuring to the person saying it, but what they are doing is telling a very worried person that their current feelings are not legitimate.