Ask Amy: Divorce decision upends entire family

Dear Amy: Recently, you've offered advice about how people should notify family members and in-laws that they have decided to get a divorce. Your thoughts and insights were helpful.

I'm wondering how to handle the news of a divorce when it isn't a mutual decision.

My son is struggling emotionally because his wife has chosen to end the marriage. I have no details about her reasons.

I feel close to both my son and daughter-in-law, and I'd like to be there for both of them. But how do I approach my daughter-in-law without sounding like I'm questioning her decision or taking sides?

Amy says: Your daughter-in-law might not want to be in close touch right now. Try not to take this personally. If she has chosen to leave the marriage, her instinct also could be to distance herself from you. This is not a laudable instinct, but a common one.

You could call or write to say, "I'm so sorry to hear that you and my son are parting. This is very sad news for us. I want you to know that I always will be grateful for your presence in our family, and I hope that we can stay in touch moving forward." Leave the door open for contact and a cordial friendship — if all parties are willing and able.

Speaking from personal experience, this might be a time to take sides — not in an angry way, but in a way that conveys your support and loyalty toward your son. Her parents likely will do the same.

Do not pry for details or criticize your daughter-in-law. Do listen with compassion, and offer that special reassurance that parents can give — that time will help to heal his wound, and that you will always be in his corner.

Dear Amy: Last week I discovered that my boyfriend of over two years cheated on me while on vacation. He kissed a woman at a bar, and they'd been texting back and forth. He tried to keep this a secret until I saw her messages ping on his phone.

I'm in my late 20s, and he's in his early 30s. We had been living together for eight months. This has left me reeling.

I left him and moved my things to my parents' house. He's begging me to come back and insisting that he made a huge mistake.

In 2020, I broke up with him on two separate occasions — once because of a big lie he told, and the second time because I became aware that we had major differences.

Do you have advice for how I can move forward?

Amy says: I can't adjudicate whether your boyfriend's behavior constitutes infidelity, but — regardless — you two do have an overall unstable dynamic. Three big breakups over a two-year time span is a lot.

The way to move forward now is to put one step in front of the other. Each step marks progress, and each step creates distance and perspective.

It's a cliché (because it's true!) but time is the great healer. Lean on your folks and friendships, pour your thoughts into a journal, and dive into your work and creative life.