Dear Amy: I live four hours from my elderly widowed mother. I will be in her area for a week soon for work, and I plan to take her for brunch on the Sunday that I am there. She does not drive. Making the arrangements, she managed to slide in, “I thought you might like to go to church with me.” Meaning: “I want you to take me to church before brunch.”
Even though I don’t disagree with the church’s teachings, I don’t want to go. I felt so pressured that I lied and said I had a work meeting early that afternoon so we’d need to go to brunch during the time church was in session..
I would have accepted her request with a kinder attitude if she didn’t have a history of manipulating me. The incident that stays in my mind is when my husband and I invited her out to dinner for her birthday. The day before, I found out that, behind my back, she had invited my estranged sister and her husband. We ended up staying home.
Now I can’t seem to get past the idea of her tricking me. I’m probably angrier than I need to be. Should I cave in and take her to church? If I’m being hard-hearted, please tell me.
Amy says: Your mother pushes your buttons because of her history of being manipulative. However, sometimes an elderly woman just wants to go to church, and she will resort to being sneaky in order to get there.
Yes, you are angrier than you need to be, but you are on high-alert and have over-compensated. (By the way, your lie to get out of this is also sneaky.)
Yes, you should cave and take her to church. While you are there, you should investigate any programs the church might have to give rides to elders. Having this social lifeline might cause your mother to be less sneaky.
After church, you should do your best to speak with your mother very honestly about what happened on her birthday. Use “I statements” and be polite, frank and authentic regarding how this made you feel.
