Ask Amy: Dates too often turn into arguments

Dear Amy: I am a divorced 52-year-old woman who is experiencing a disturbing situation. Men I meet for possible relationships have what I describe as argumentative personalities.

They are never agreeable with any topics that come up in conversation. The topics range from personal decisions to politics to differences between men and women.

These men come across as misogynistic, condescending, critical of everything around them and yet they see themselves as decent, normal, good guys who know how to treat women. They couldn't be more wrong.

They often present topics that are inflammatory and then say women can't handle the conversations because we are too caught up in our feelings. I don't entertain these men for long, but I keep having these experiences. Just what has happened to the art of decent conversation?

After talking to these men for a short period of time the focus turns away from seeking companionship to sparring partners. I don't understand it, and it is very frustrating.

What is happening?

Amy says: At the risk of you writing me off as argumentative, I'd like to state for the record that men undoubtedly also have a laundry list of gender-based frustrations with the women they are meeting.

During my long-ago journey into online matching, I had experiences similar to yours. It seemed that the people I was meeting were sometimes relitigating their previous relationships. Few of these people seemed interested in getting to know me.

This might be a function of the speed with which many people approach the matching process. Match, meet, test for compatibility, move on. And the anonymity of social media has transformed some people into conversational jackals.

My take is this: Engaging in a peaceful and informative conversation always has been something of a rarity (yes, it's an art!). Being with someone who listens with interest, seems to "see" you and can challenge you without raising your hackles are qualities you enjoy in your deep and intimate friendships. This is what you're looking for, and so your best bet might be to move off-line and to join groups and organizations where you can meet and get to know people gradually.

Dear Amy: I regularly speak with a person who uses an earphone and mic device so they can talk on their phone while doing other things.

This person does not realize that the speaker picks up all the noises in their vicinity, which are amplified into my ear. It's worse than just being on "speaker."

I had something important to say one time, and just gave up. Any suggestions?

Amy says: People who use remote mics usually don't realize how much ambient noise those devices pick up. The mics are close to their mouths, creating the impression that anything more than a few inches away won't be a problem.

If this person calls you (not if you call them), you should try again: "I hope you understand that I cannot hear you when you use your earbuds and mic because the background noise is drowning you out."