Ask Amy: College lesson needed on cleaning

Dear Amy: My son has just started his junior year of college. I never thought he was the neatest person. My view on this changed when he went away to college and shared a two-bedroom suite with others. Compared to his suitemates, my son is neat, clean and considerate of the shared space.

I am appalled by what I have seen: Beds not made, clothes strewn everywhere, dirty dishes left in the sink, plates and cups left everywhere, the table not wiped clean, multiple pairs of shoes in the bathroom and counter space cluttered with everyone's personal items.

Is this the way young people are living? Are parents not teaching their children a basic level of cleanliness and how to share space?

I sent my son with cleaning supplies and showed him how to clean a bathroom. He knows how to clean a kitchen because he has been helping me clean up after meals at home.

Yes, contracts are drawn up by the suitemates to determine rules and cleaning rotation, but my son is frustrated that he is the only one following through. Parents, are you checking in with your kids to see if they are pulling their fair share?

As students are returning back to campus, can you put together a checklist on basic guidelines to being a good roommate?

Amy says: Lesson No. 1: Never let your mom see your dorm room.

Today's college students often enter shared living quarters never having done their own laundry, washed a dish, paid a bill, written a thank-you note or had to clean up after themselves or others. And it's often because no one has asked them to.

The whole idea of preparing a checklist is somewhat infantilizing. These lessons — on taking care of oneself and contributing to the care of the group — should start with children. Picking up toys, helping to set the table and helping with cleanup and laundry all should be demonstrated in early childhood.

You've done a good job. Your son will be a desirable roommate, co-worker and partner. Other parents, yes, stress the positive aspects of keeping your space clean (show them how) and emphasize the social benefit of contributing to the welfare of the group.

Dear Amy: Could you please advise me if it is OK to use the word "hate" in a sentence — as long as one uses it in a "polite" tone? An example would be "I hate it when a lot of things go wrong at the same time."

It was brought to my attention that "hate" generates strong negative reactions from some people. Is it that much better to say "dislike?"

Amy says: A long-running admonition during my childhood was my mother's warning about not using "four-letter words."

Unlike other parents', hers had a twist, however. She said we could swear our heads off if we wanted to — only in the barn — (mostly, we didn't), but we couldn't say the word "hate." Instead, we were instructed to say, "I dislike immensely."

This became a standing joke around our dinner table, as we exaggeratedly declared our immense dislikes, sometimes using a fake British accent.

In my opinion, it's acceptable to use the word "hate" to describe your reaction to vexing situations and broccoli — but not to people.