Ask Amy: Childhood abuse still splits sisters

Dear Amy: Two sisters in our extended family have a broken relationship.

When they were young their parents brought foster children into the home. The eldest foster child was a boy in his early teens. He began sexually assaulting the younger sister, who was 8.

The abuse continued for at least four years. No one in the family was aware of it. The young sister was threatened into not telling anyone.

Fast-forward 20 years. The abuse was revealed, and the older sister said that everyone needed to forgive the predator. She opted to keep him in her life, like a brother. The victim no longer trusted her sister, and their relationship has never been the same.

The older sister feels rejected by the family because of her continued support of the predator. She still feels that forgiveness of the predator was the best course, and she can't grasp the depth of her younger sister's pain. The older sister feels like she's the victim because of the palpable rejection she feels from everyone else.

Is there hope after all this time that trust can be re-established? And, if so, how?

Amy says: The older sister seems to have spent all of her compassion and forgiveness on the man who sexually abused her young and vulnerable sister.

The older sister does not have the right to claim victimhood, but this might be her way to try to paper over her own guilt.

Your letter highlights the legacy of childhood trauma, which, unless addressed in a therapeutic context, will continue to hurt and divide family members — possibly into the next generation, when no one will even know the origin story.

Both of these sisters are locked into intractable positions. Nothing will change unless they are both inspired and motivated to honestly state their truths.

The younger sister should be given space to continue to heal. The elder should be encouraged to understand how her long-ago choice became an important test of trust and loyalty.

The sisters may need to return to the painful events of their childhoods and rebuild from there. A family counselor could try to mediate a détente between the two. If you are able to bring them both to the table, you'd be helping to forge a new path for your family.

My husband arranged a dinner with a "friend" he met on Facebook through one of his news sites. He's not happy that I didn't want to attend this meeting.

He arranged another dinner with someone who was a member of his fraternity from college. I attended this dinner only to find out they didn't personally know each other!

My "friends" on Facebook are people I know, and even if I haven't seen them in years, I enjoy their news about family and their activities.

To randomly collect friends that you have no personal background with seems desperate and unwise.

Amy says: Anytime you personally connect with a "stranger," there is some risk involved, but in my opinion, meeting people you've gotten to know online is a natural and positive impulse. I've done so many times.

This is neither desperate nor unwise. It is actually old-school "networking."