Ask Amy: Child care offer irks husband

Dear Amy: My little sister took over the family farm and has been running it (with my other sister) for two years. It is an incredible amount of work that keeps her busy from sunup to sundown.

A year and a half ago, she had a son. I offered to watch him. I'm a stay-at-home mom for my own boys, and we live with my parents in a house that's on the farm, so I saw no problem. My sister offered money, but I said I was happy to watch him without payment.

I agreed to this without first discussing it with my husband. But what started out as a few days a week quickly turned into six days — six very long days.

This started to cut into my own family time. My husband refused to help me on his days off because he hadn't agreed to it.

We both became increasingly fatigued and bitter. We went to marriage counseling. Our counselor said it was unfair that I hadn't discussed it with my husband from the beginning and that I should cut back on the babysitting commitment. I did, and we both felt better.

I had a baby in February and told my sister that I would like a "maternity leave," but I said that I'd be willing to watch her son again after that.

When I told my husband, he was distraught. He said I did this without his consent again and that he would have said "no" if I had asked him first.

My husband never has to watch this child at all. Can he tell me what I can and can't do in this regard? It seems controlling, or am I missing something?

Amy says: I can't figure out why you took your counselor's good advice, things got better for both you and your husband, and then you proceeded to repeat the behavior you'd already agreed to change.

Your husband isn't telling you what to do. He is telling you that you need to discuss issues that have an impact on your family before deciding. This is committing to a discussion, not an outcome.

And, of course, he needs to do the same.

Your family is living in your parents' house, and you have committed to further child care for your nephew. Your husband might feel overwhelmed and excluded because your immediate family is so enmeshed with your extended family.

Dear Amy: One of my dear friends got engaged. I had a custom gift made for her in anticipation of the wedding, but then the engagement was called off.

The gift has no specific references to the couple or to marriage, but it is also noticeably more extravagant than the typical gifts we would give each other for birthdays or Christmas.

I would still like to give it to her. Is there any way I can tactfully do this?

Amy says: You should give it to her, along with an explanation of the gift's provenance. Just be completely honest: "I had this made for you during your engagement, and I hope you'll accept and enjoy it, now in celebration of our long and enduring friendship."